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Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Henry is sleeping curled up on the floor in a corner of the wine cellar with his jacket over him. He wakes up and makes a move toward the door, when he sees BJ sitting there opening a bottle of wine. "I wouldn't do that. I mean, you might make it past me, but you'd never make it past Olga," says BJ. "Yeah, where'd you find her, anyway? Roller derby? Worldwide wrestling?" asks Henry. "Actually, at the mall. That's where you find all your primo security guards, I mean, from my experience. I hope you can forgive me, Henry, you know, for leaving you here without a corkscrew," says BJ. "When are you going to let me out of here?" asks Henry. "Oh, come on. I can't have you running around telling all my secrets to the cops, can I?" asks BJ. "What secrets? What are you talking about? The disposal thing I overheard? You were talking about garbage, I understand that. And even if you weren't, B.J., What would I accomplish by shooting my mouth off about something I don't understand?" asks Henry. "I don't know, I wish I could trust you. I really do. But I really can't have you out there until I have Katie back where I want her," says BJ. "Listen, Beej, um -- the problem with that is that Katie loves Mike, all right? They're meant to be together, and as long as Mike's around, the rest of us don't have a chance," says Henry. "That's true. That's very true. As long as Mike's around," repeats BJ.
"'As long as Mike's around.' What do you mean by that?" asks Henry worriedly. "Drink up and I'll tell you," says BJ, handing Henry a glass of wine. Henry downs the wine and asks, "Well?" "Well, see, Mike has proven to be more of an obstacle than I expected. So I just decided to remove him from the equation," explains BJ. "All that talk about disposal. Please tell me you're not planning to kill Mike Kasnoff," says Henry.
"Bottoms up," says BJ, handing Henry another glass of wine. "Answer my question first," insists Henry. "What question?" asks BJ. "Are you going to kill Mike?" repeats Henry. "Look, I tried to get Katie to give me a chance. Obviously, Mike has some sort of spell over her or something. I mean, how else can you explain why she would choose him over me? Or you, for that matter, Henry? I mean, really, tell me, what does Mike Kasnoff have that we don't?" asks BJ. "I wish I could tell you, B.J. I wish I could. I can't. We're both in the same boat, buddy. We both love Katie, we both thought we could take her away from Mike. And we lost. It is over. Hey, we've got to be men about this. We've got to move on and forget about her once and for all," says Henry. "Do you think that's possible?" wonders BJ. He takes out a little gizmo and projects a 3-D image of Katie. "What's that?" asks Henry. "Hello, Henry," says the image. "What -- how did you..." "It's a little gizmo I've been working on. Come on, Henry, be honest. Can you really forget about a woman so perfect in every way?" asks BJ.
"That is some invention," admires Henry. "A labor of love," replies BJ. "Yeah, it's a waste of time, B.J. Why don't you face the facts here. Katie belongs to Mike," says Henry. The image speaks again. "Henry? I still love you. You were a wonderful husband. I wish..." "What, say it, Bubbles. You wish what?" asks Henry eagerly. "I wish we could be together again," says holographic Katie. "It's only an illusion, my friend. But tell me something. If an illusion of Katie is that irresistible, how do you expect me to resist the real thing when she's so close to being mine?" asks BJ.
"So, are you are going to come back again? With laser light Katie?" asks Henry. "Oh, sure. Of course, you realize, once this is all over, only one of us can actually be with Katie. And, of course -- well, Henry, come on, you're no competition for me, right?" smiles BJ. "No, and I'm sure that Mike isn't competition for you, either," says Henry, "I think that you've got a lot going for you. I think that you've got brains, and money, and charm, and good looks." "Oh, thank you, Henry. I have all that and more," says BJ humbly. "What I'm trying to say is, that you can do this on your own, B.J. You don't need to hurt Mike," says Henry. "Oh, Henry. You're such a softy. It would be charming, if it weren't so pathetic," says BJ, leaving the cellar and closing the gate behind him. "Please, tell me you won't hurt a hair on Mike's head," begs Henry through the gate. "Okay. I won't hurt a hair on Mike's head," promises BJ, which somehow is not very reassuring.
Today’s episode was directed by Michael Eilbaum and written by Susan Dansby.
Transcripts from TVMegasite B.J.: I wouldn't do that. I mean, you might make it past me, but you'd never make it past Olga. Henry: Yeah, where'd you find her, anyway? Roller derby? Worldwide wrestling? B.J.: Actually, at the mall. That's where you find all your primo security guards, I mean, from my experience. I hope you can forgive me, Henry, you know, for leaving you here without a corkscrew. Henry: When are you going to let me out of here? B.J.: Oh, come on. I can't have you running around telling all my secrets to the cops, can I? Henry: What secrets? What are you talking about? The disposal thing I overheard? You were talking about garbage, I understand that. And even if you weren't, B.J., What would I accomplish by shooting my mouth off about something I don't understand? B.J.: I don't know, I wish I could trust you. I really do. But I really can't have you out there until I have Katie back where I want her. [ Henry laughs ] Henry: Listen, Beej, um -- the problem with that is that Katie loves Mike, all right? They're meant to be together, and as long as Mike's around, the rest of us don't have a chance. B.J.: That's true. That's very true. As long as Mike's around.
Henry: "As long as Mike's around." What do you mean by that? B.J.: Drink up and I'll tell you. Henry: Well? B.J.: Well, see, Mike has proven to be more of an obstacle than I expected. So I just decided to remove him from the equation. Henry: All that talk about disposal. Please tell me you're not planning to kill Mike Kasnoff.
B.J.: Bottoms up. Henry: Answer my question first. B.J.: What question? Henry: Are you going to kill Mike? B.J.: Look, I tried to get Katie to give me a chance. Obviously, Mike has some sort of spell over her or something. I mean, how else can you explain why she would choose him over me? [ Henry scoffs ] Or you, for that matter, Henry? I mean, really, tell me, what does Mike Kasnoff have that we don't? Henry: I wish I could tell you, B.J. I wish I could. I can't. We're both in the same boat, buddy. We both love Katie, we both thought we could take her away from Mike. And we lost. It is over. Hey, we've got to be men about this. We've got to move on and forget about her once and for all. B.J.: Do you think that's possible? Henry: What's that? Katie: Hello, Henry. Henry: What -- how did you -- B.J.: It's a little gizmo I've been working on. Come on, Henry, be honest. Can you really forget about a woman so perfect in every way?
Henry: That is some invention. B.J.: A labor of love. Henry: Yeah, it's a waste of time, B.J. Why don't you face the facts here. Katie belongs to Mike. Katie: Henry? I still love you. You were a wonderful husband. I wish -- Henry: What, say it, bubbles. You wish what? Katie: I wish we could be together again. B.J.: It's only an illusion, my friend. But tell me something. If an illusion of Katie is that irresistible, how do you expect me to resist the real thing when she's so close to being mine?
Henry: So, are you are going to come back again? With laser light Katie? B.J.: Oh, sure. Of course, you realize, once this is all over, only one of us can actually be with Katie. And, of course -- well, Henry, come on, you're no competition for me, right? Henry: No, and I'm sure that Mike isn't competition for you, either. B.J.: What do you think? Henry: I think that you've got a lot going for you. I think that you've got brains, and money, and charm, and good looks. B.J.: Oh, thank you, Henry. I have all that and more. Henry: What I'm trying to say is, that you can do this on your own, B.J. You don't need to hurt Mike. B.J.: Oh, Henry. You're such a softy. It would be charming, if it weren't so pathetic. Henry: Please, tell me you won't hurt a hair on Mike's head. B.J.: Okay. I won't hurt a hair on Mike's head.
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