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Wednesday, October 9, 2002

Henry opens the show today!  He is sitting at a table in the Lakeview Lounge with Simon and Katie.  Simon has a beer, Katie a Coke, and Henry a martini, of course.  Henry tells them that when they talk to Lucinda, make sure to mention financial backing for their new private investigator business.  Katie disagrees, saying that Lucinda owns too much in this town already.  She wants to just ask her for advice in structuring a new company.  "Fine," agrees Henry, saying they need to move on to the next order of business, "our shingle."  "Shingle?" questions Simon.  "Yes, a name," explains Henry.  "We need something that's evocative and attractive, and something that sort of rolls off the tongue, and then hangs there on the lips."  Katie wonders what's wrong with "Frasier, Frasier and Coleman."  "Besides the fact that I'm at the end of that moniker, nothing," answers Henry.  "But it doesn't tell anybody what we do. So, here."  He shows them a business card.  "Early Bird Surveillance," reads Katie.  "Wake up and smell the coffee," continues Simon.  Henry makes a motion like he's swinging a bat and says, "Oh, the brash young rookie hits one out of the park.  It's perfecto, no?"

Katie and Simon burst out laughing, saying it's the stupidest name they've ever heard.  Simon remarks that he didn't know they were starting a bird-watching clinic.  "You guys obviously don't have any idea about corporate branding, all right?  This way, people won't be confused about what it is we do," explains Henry.  Katie says she's already confused.  Henry says he came up with a logo to help explain it, "Wake up and smell the coffee."  "I thought early birds caught worms, not drank coffee," comments Simon.  Frustrated, Henry asks Simon to hang in there with him while he continues to explain.  "Okay, I mean, we could say, you know, 'wake up and nail your husband doing the secretary,' all right, that's fine.  I could go either way.  But the point is, when people go through the yellow pages and see us, they need to know that, a, we know they're getting shafted, b, they should hire us to dig up the dirt, and c, they'll get a nice, fat settlement from their attorney."  

Simon protests that that's not the kind of firm they're going to be, the kind that "sneaks around in the bushes taking snapshots of steamy car windows."  "What do you think private investigation is?" asks Henry.  "What, do you think it's lost cats and murders?  I mean, infidelity -- that's the name of the game."  With that, he stand up and declares that the meeting is over.  "Oh, don't cry Henry, you big baby," says Simon.  "Henry, don't be mad," says Katie.  "I'm not crying.  I'm just gonna go over and have a drink at the bar and keep my good ideas to myself," says Henry as he leaves.  Simon wonders if it was the comment about the worm that made Henry mad, but Katie tells him, "Henry's just like a spoiled little 3-year-old sometimes.  He can't handle the word 'no.'"

Henry is consoling himself at the bar when Rosanna approaches.  "Bartender, bourbon, neat," she orders.  "Don't worry, your secret's safe with me.  I have a bit of an olive fetish myself," confides Henry.  "So, life got you down?  Did your dog steal your last pair of Gucci pumps?"  Rosanna agrees that she's had a bad day and wonders if there's anything else he'd like to know.  Henry apologizes, saying he didn't mean to intrude.  "Yes, you do, or you wouldn't have opened your mouth," answers Rosanna.  Surprised, Henry says, "Whoa.  The art of cordiality is dead.  Forgive me for being kind."  Rosanna says he's being nosy, and Henry says it's his business to be nosy.  He saw her and thought he could give her a hand, but he can change his mind just as easily.  He turns his back to her but she taps him on the shoulder and politely asks him what he does for a living.  "Are you psychiatrist?  Social worker?"  Henry answers that he helps people with their problems.  "Of course, you're more than welcome to keep yours to yourself."  He hands her his card and she reads "Early Bird Surveillance?"  "Mm-hmm.  When you wake up and smell the coffee, I'll be the one grinding the beans - or something like that.  Henry Coleman," says Henry, holding out his hand.  "Rosanna Cabot," says Rosanna as she shakes it.

Rosanna asks Henry what kind of investigating he does, and he answers, "Oh, well, you know, the usual -- bail jumpers, cheating spouses.  Actually, I just wrapped up this very interesting political case.  It's very sensitive, though.  I can't talk about it."  Rosanna comments that he must be good, and he assures her, "Surveillance, stakeouts, whatever you need."  He asks her what the problem is, cheating boyfriend?  She confirms it with a look.  "It's amazing, the years you spend in this business, how you can just read someone's face.  We can catch him in the act, if you'd like," offers Henry.  Rosanna declines, but says there is something he could help her with.  She tells him that someone has made an anonymous donation to the hospital burn unit.  "And I sure would be grateful and possibly very generous if you would help me find out who that anonymous donor is."

Henry asks Rosanna for more details, and she tells him that the ground-breaking is today.  She needs him to find the name of the donor.  "I've asked around, but no one is willing to tell me who the benefactor is.  In fact, I've been outright lied to and deceived," whines Rosanna.  "You poor thing," commiserates Henry.  He asks her if she has any suspects, and she asks him if she knows Molly Conlan, the anchor at WOAK.  Yes, Henry knows her!  "Well, if you can prove that Molly's the one who made the donation, if you can bring me irrefutable proof, I will pay you enough to keep you in martinis until you're 90," promises Rosanna.  Henry tells her that he can handle it, "You can depend on me."

Today’s episode was directed by John O'Connell and written by Royal Miller.

Transcripts from ATWTweekly

[ Lakeview Lounge ]
>> Henry: Now remember, when you talk to Lucinda, to bring up financial backing, okay? No, thank you. She's willing to help a worthy cause as long as it helps her.
>> Katie: No, no, no, no, no. Lucinda owns way too many things in this town already. Why do we have to add our little business to her list? Let's just ask her for advice on structuring a new company.
>> Henry: Fine -- fine, Katie. Fine, fine, fine. Let's move on to the next item here -- our shingle. We need a name.
>> Simon: Shingle?
>> Henry: Yes, a name. We need something that's evocative and attractive, and something that sort of rolls off the tongue, and then hangs there on the lips.
>> Katie: What's wrong with "Frasier, Frasier and Coleman?"
>> Henry: Besides the fact that I'm at the end of that moniker, nothing. But it doesn't tell anybody what we do. So, here. [ puts a business card on the table ]
>> Katie: "Early Bird Surveillance."
>> Simon: "Wake up and smell the coffee."
>> Henry: Oh, the brash young rookie hits one out of the park. It's perfecto, no?

[ Lakeview Lounge ]
>> Katie: Early bird surveillance. Henry, that's the stupidest name I've ever heard.
>> Simon: Yeah, I had no idea we were starting up a bird-watching club.
>> Henry: You guys obviously don't have any idea about corporate branding, all right? This way, people won't be confused about what it is we do.
>> Katie: I'm already confused.
>> Henry: All right, fine, fine, fine. Just in case, I've come up with a pithy little logo to go along with the name -- wake up and smell the coffee.
>> Simon: The thing is, I thought early birds caught worms, not drank coffee.
>> Henry: Simon, please. Boy, just hang in there with me, will you? Okay, I mean, we could say, you know, "wake up and nail your husband doing the secretary," all right, that's fine. I could go either way. But the point is, when people go through the yellow pages and see us, they need to know that, "A," we know they're getting shafted. "B," they should hire us to dig up the dirt. And "C," they'll get a nice, fat settlement from their attorney.
>> Simon: Henry, this is not the kind of firm we're gonna be. We're not gonna be the kind of people that sneak around in the bushes taking snapshots of steamy car windows.
>> Henry: What do you think private investigation is? What, do you think it's lost cats and murders? I mean, infidelity -- that's the name of the game. Jeez, okay. This meeting is over.
>> Simon: Oh, don't cry.
>> Katie: Henry, don't be mad.
>> Henry: I'm not mad. I'm not crying. I'm just gonna go over and have a drink at the bar and keep my good ideas to myself.
>> Simon: Was it the comment about the worm?
>> Katie: Oh, no, no, no. Henry's just like a spoiled little 3-year-old sometimes. He can't handle the word "no."

[ Lakeview Lounge - At the Bar ]
>> Rosanna: Bartender, bourbon, neat.
>> Henry: Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. I have a bit of an olive fetish myself. So, life got you down? Did your dog steal your last pair of Gucci pumps?
>> Rosanna: Yes, I am having a bad day. Is there anything else you'd like to know?
>> Henry: I don't mean to intrude.
>> Rosanna: Yes, you do, or you wouldn't have opened your mouth.
>> Henry: Whoa. The art of cordiality is dead. Forgive me for being kind.
>> Rosanna: You're being nosy.
>> Henry: Well, it's -- it's my occupation. But you know what? I saw you sitting here looking down, I thought I'd offer you a hand. But I can change my mood just by turning my
>> Rosanna: So what is it you do, sir? Are you psychiatrist? Social worker?
>> Henry: Nada. I help people with their problems. Of course, you're more than welcome to keep yours to yourself. [ hands Rosanna his business card ]
>> Rosanna: Early Bird Surveillance?
>> Henry: Mm-hmm. When you wake up and smell the coffee, I'll be the one grinding the beans -- or something like that. Henry Coleman.

[ At the Bar ]
>> Rosanna: What kind of investigative work have you done, Mr. Coleman?
>> Henry: Oh, well, you know, the usual -- bail jumpers, cheating spouses. Actually, I just wrapped up this very interesting political case. It's very sensitive, though. I can't talk about it.
>> Rosanna: So you're good?
>> Henry: Well, you know, surveillance, stakeouts, whatever you need. So, what exactly has happened to you? Cheating boyfriend? I see. It's alright, you know, the years you spend in this business, how you can just read someone's face. We can catch him in the act, if you'd like.
>> Rosanna: Perhaps some other time, Mr. Coleman, h? But I'll tell you what, Henry -- can I call you Henry?
>> Henry: Yeah, of course.
>> Rosanna: It seems that someone has made an anonymous donation to Oakdale Memorial's little burn unit. You know, the new wing that's going on the hospital. And I sure would be grateful and possibly very generous if you would help me find out who that anonymous donor is.

[ Lakeview Lounge ]
>> Henry: Why don't you give me the pertinent details.
>> Rosanna: All right. Well, the ground-breaking ceremony is tomorrow. And all I need you to do is find out the name of the anonymous donor who's funding the building.
>> Henry: Mm-hmm. How much is the gift?
>> Rosanna: Let's just say it's sizable. I've asked around, but no one is willing to tell me who the benefactor is. In fact, I've been outright lied to and deceived.
>> Henry: You poor thing.
>> Rosanna: Yes, I know.
>> Henry: Let's just narrow it down a little bit. Did you ever have any suspects?
>> Rosanna: Well, as a matter of fact, do you know the newscaster on WOAK, Molly McKinnon?
>> Henry: Yes.
>> Rosanna: Well, if you can prove that Molly's the one who made the donation, if you can bring me irrefutable proof, I will pay you enough to keep you in martinis until you're 90.
>> Henry: Think that's enough details just a black bag job, actually. I think I can handle it.
>> Rosanna: Good.
>> Henry: You can depend on me.
>> Rosanna: Excellent. 

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