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Monday, July 18, 2005 Henry is helping Carly in her latest scheme - to solve the mystery about her father. They have found the woman who knew him when he was in Oakdale, and Henry has appeared at her door carrying a bouquet of balloons.
"You're gonna make my day?" asks Iris suspiciously. "Yes, ma'am, you are the winner of the consumers' warehouse sweepstakes," says Henry. Iris protests that she didn't enter a contest. "You didn't have to. There's no entry required. Let's get this party started!" cries Henry. "Wait," says Iris. "There's no need to wait! The check is right here," says Henry, going inside. "The check?" asks Iris, "I still don't understand how I'm in this contest." "Two words, Ms. Dubrowski -- bulk buying," says Henry, "We're all about bulk buying at consumers' warehouse. You're automatically entered every time you shop." "Yeah, but I don't buy in bulk," says Iris. "Of course you do, that's the American way," says Henry. "No, I don't," insists Iris. "You only buy one roll of paper towels? You never get the 12-pack? What about toilet paper? Cocktail onions? Instant noodles?" suggests Henry, while Iris shakes her head. Meanwhile, Carly has been listening outside, and Iris hears her. Carly hides but leaves her cell phone behind. Iris goes outside and sees it. "Wait, I told you. Somebody is out here. Now, you need to leave now!" she says.
Carly's cell phone rings and Henry picks it up. "Oh, that's mine. I must've dropped it," he says. Iris asks him if he's going to answer it so he does, or at least pretends to. "Yeah, yeah. Consumers' warehouse sweepstakes, mobile. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's right here. Iris Dubrowski. Yeah, yeah. I think she's exactly what you're looking for. Yeah, very photogenic. What, are you kidding me? Listen, she has got two cases of canned tuna in the kitchen, she's got a 24-pack of saltines, and get this al, get this -- she's got ten quarts of sweet gherkins, still shrink-wrapped. How about that for some lunch, huh? Yeah, yeah, we just gotta wrap up some paperwork. No problem. Okay. All right. Buh-bye." Henry hangs up the phone and tells Iris, "That was the home office, now. I covered for you." "Yeah, what was that about?" she asks, as they go back in the house. "Listen, listen, if they found out that you don't bulk buy, they're gonna take that six-figure check right out from underneath you," says Henry. "Six figures?" asks Iris. "That's what I said. So sweetheart, let's just take care of this paperwork. We're gonna make you rich, huh?" says Henry. "Don't you want a picture, me with these balloons?" asks Iris. "I would love one, but, you know, after the paperwork, okay? Just take a second. There you go. Just hold on to those. All right, okay. How long have you lived in Oakdale?" asks Henry. "35 years," answers Iris. "Okay, 35. At your current residence?" asks Henry. "Why do you need to know about my house?" wonders Iris. "I just -- we just need to establish, you know, legal residency, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what, it's not even that important. Let's just move on down here. Employment, employment. You're not gonna need to work once you have all this money, believe me," says Henry. "It's that much?" asks Iris. "Yeah. Let's just get down to the legal stuff. Any outstanding liens, pending lawsuits, any creditor who could attempt to extend their claim to consumers' warehouse inc. Or any of our subsidiaries? Any outstanding warrants?" asks Henry. Iris says no, and Henry asks, "Okay, Any felony convictions?" "What?" asks Iris. "Yeah, just -- I'm sure with you it's just a -- I don't know, it's not that important, but I do have to know. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? It's not important, but I do have to know. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?" asks Henry, as Carly listens expectantly.
"I didn't catch your name, son," says Iris suspiciously. "Hank. Hank Snickerman," says Henry. "You got any ID, Hank?" asks Iris. Henry flashes his wallet and says, "Yeah. I am so sorry, I thought I showed that to you when I came in. Yeah, it's just right there. I really apologize. Now here I am, coming in, what nerve, bringing in some kind of rap sheet. I haven't even showed you my ID." "No offense intended," says Iris. "You know, there's none taken. There really isn't. Honey, you're gonna have to have a bit of savvy to take care of all this kind of money. You know, I'm glad to see you got it on the ball. I really am. Let's finish up with this paperwork, and then we'll get set up for our photo shoot. What do you say about that, huh?" says Henry. "Yay!" cries Iris. "Aren't you excited? All right, where were we? Oh, yeah. Any trouble with the law?" asks Henry. "When you say trouble, you mean, like, parking tickets?" asks Iris. "No, no, no. More like felony. You know, even a small one, we have to make adjustments. We don't have to -- not gonna take away the prize, anything like that, don't worry. But we have to tailor the PR a little bit, so... Ever pass a bad check? Illegal gambling? Embezzlement?" asks Henry. Iris says no to all of them. "Pandering?" asks Henry. "That's a crime?" wonders Iris. "Yeah, you know, that shocked me too. Because in show business and marketing, we just call that a good day's work," says Henry. "No pandering. How many more of these do you got?" asks Iris. Carly barges in the door and says, "None." "What are you -- how did you even..." stammers Iris. "You told my husband that you were arrested for embezzling. You said that you covered for my father. You said that was the deep, dark secret that's been kept from me for all these years," says Carly. "I want you outta here," says Iris, as Henry steps out of the way. "Not until you tell me the truth," insists Carly. "Don't you call me a liar," says Iris. "That's exactly what you are. Either you lied before or you lied just now. Which is it?" asks Carly. "Nice scam," says Iris. "Technically, I didn't take anything from you, so it's not a scam," says Henry. "You have no idea what you just took. Now I want you both outta here," orders Iris. "Too bad," replies Carly, not moving. "You think you're too old to get whipped, girly?" threatens Iris. "Wait, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's not a mud ring around here, ladies. So let's just settle down here, okay?" says Henry. "Take a walk, Hank. And you can go, too," says Iris. "Or what. You'll call the cops?" asks Carly. "Oh, hey, not the C word," says Henry. "I'd like to have the cops here, myself," says Carly. "What do you mean, you'd like to have the cops here? We're taking credentials, taking names. Let's just go, Carly," suggests Henry. "No, not until she tells me the truth," insists Carly. "You know what, I don't have anything to tell you," says Iris. "Yeah, you know what, we've got everything we want. Let's just go on to Plan B," suggests Henry. Iris threatens to call the cops again, and Carly tells Henry he can leave. "I don't think I should leave you here alone," says Henry. "No, I will be fine. And don't worry about the police, I'll cover it for you," says Carly. "I'm dialing," says Iris. "On my way!" says Henry, heading out the door. Carly stays behind and gets Iris to tell her that she's the one who hurt Iris' son. Today’s episode was directed by Jennifer Pepperman and written by Melissa Salmons.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Iris: You're gonna make my day? Henry: Yes, ma'am, you are the winner of the consumers' warehouse sweepstakes. Iris: I didn't enter any contest. Henry: You didn't have to. There's no entry required. Let's get this party started! Iris: Wait. Henry: There's no need to wait! The check is right here. Iris: The check? Henry: Yeah. Iris: I still don't understand how I'm in this contest. Henry: Two words, Ms. Dubrowski -- bulk buying. Iris: What? Henry: Yeah, we're all about bulk buying at consumers' warehouse. You're automatically entered every time you shop. Iris: Yeah, but I don't buy in bulk. Henry: Of course you do, that's the American way. Iris: No, I don't. Henry: You only buy one roll of paper towels? You never get the 12-pack? What about toilet paper? Cocktail onions? Instant noodles? [ Can rustling ] Iris: Somebody's out there. Henry: You know, Ms. Dubrowski, hold on just a second. We've only got a little bit of time to take care of this paperwork. Iris: Wait, I told you. Somebody is out here. Now, you need to leave now!
[ Cell phone rings ] Henry: Oh, that's mine. I must've dropped it. Iris: Aren't you going to answer it? Henry: Yeah, yeah. Consumers' warehouse sweepstakes, mobile. Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's right here. Iris Dubrowski. Yeah, yeah. I think she's exactly what you're looking for. Yeah, very photogenic. What, are you kidding me? Listen, she has got two cases of canned tuna in the kitchen, she's got a 24-pack of saltines, and get this al, get this -- she's got ten quarts of sweet gherkins, still shrink-wrapped. How about that for some lunch, huh? [ Henry laughs ] Yeah, yeah, we just gotta wrap up some paperwork. No problem. Okay. All right. Buh-bye. That was the home office, now. I covered for you. Iris: Yeah, what was that about? Henry: Listen, listen, if they found out that you don't bulk buy, they're gonna take that six-figure check right out from underneath you. Iris: Six figures? Henry: That's what I said. So sweetheart, let's just take care of this paperwork. We're gonna make you rich, huh? Iris: Don't you want a picture, me with these balloons? Henry: I would love one, but, you know, after the paperwork, okay? Just take a second. There you go. Just hold on to those. All right, okay. How long have you lived in Oakdale? Iris: 35 years. Henry: Okay, 35. At your current residence? Iris: Why do you need to know about my house? Henry: I just -- we just need to establish, you know, legal residency, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know what, it's not even that important. Let's just move on down here. Employment, employment. You're not gonna need to work once you have all this money, believe me. Iris: It's that much? Henry: Yeah. Let's just get down to the legal stuff. Any outstanding liens, pending lawsuits, any creditor who could attempt to extend their claim to consumers' warehouse inc. Or any of our subsidiaries? Iris: No. Henry: Okay, any outstanding warrants? Iris: No. Henry: Okay, any felony convictions? Iris: What? Henry: Yeah, just -- I'm sure with you it's just a -- I don't know, it's not that important, but I do have to know. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? It's not important, but I do have to know. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?
Iris: I didn't catch your name, son. Henry: Hank. Hank Snickerman. Iris: You got any I.D., Hank? Henry: Yeah. I am so sorry, I thought I showed that to you when I came in. Yeah, it's just right there. I really apologize. Now here I am, coming in, what nerve, bringing in some kind of rap sheet. I haven't even showed you my I.D. Iris: No offense intended. Henry: You know, there's none taken. There really isn't. Honey, you're gonna have to have a bit of savvy to take care of all this kind of money. You know, I'm glad to see you got it on the ball. I really am. Let's finish up with this paperwork, and then we'll get set up for our photo shoot. What do you say about that, huh? Iris: Yay! Henry: Aren't you excited? All right, where were we? Oh, yeah. Any trouble with the law? Iris: When you say "trouble", you mean, like, parking tickets? Henry: No, no, no. More like felony. You know, even a small one, we have to make adjustments. We don't have to -- not gonna take away the prize, anything like that, don't worry. But we have to tailor the pr a little bit, so -- Iris: Uh-huh, I see. Henry: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Ever pass a bad check? Iris: No. Henry: Illegal gambling? Iris: No. Henry: Embezzlement? Iris: No. Henry: Pandering? Iris: That's a crime? Henry: Yeah, you know, that shocked me too. Because in show business and marketing, we just call that a good day's work. Iris: No pandering. How many more of these do you got? Carly: None. Iris: What are you -- how did you even -- Carly: You told my husband that you were arrested for embezzling. You said that you covered for my father. You said that was the deep, dark secret that's been kept from me for all these years. Iris: I want you outta here. Carly: Not until you tell me the truth. Iris: Don't you call me a liar. Carly: That's exactly what you are. Either you lied before or you lied just now. Which is it?
Henry: Whoa. Iris: Nice scam. Henry: Technically, I didn't take anything from you, so it's not a scam. Iris: You have no idea what you just took. Now I want you both outta here. Carly: Too bad. Iris: You think you're too old to get whipped, girly? Henry: Wait, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. There's not a mud ring around here, ladies. So let's just settle down here, okay? Iris: Take a walk, hank. And you can go, too. Carly: Or what. You'll call the cops? Henry: Oh, hey, not the "c" word. Carly: I'd like to have the cops here, myself. Henry: What do you mean, you'd like to have the cops here? We're taking credentials, taking names. Let's just go, Carly. Carly: No, not until she tells me the truth. Iris: You know what, I don't have anything to tell you. Henry: Yeah, you know what, we've got everything we want. Let's just go on to plan "B." Iris: You know what, I'm just going to call the cops. Carly: Fine. You can go, Henry. Henry: I don't think I should leave you here alone. Carly: No, I will be fine. And don't worry about the police, I'll cover it for you. Iris: I'm dialing. Henry: On my way! Carly: You like to bluff, Iris? Go ahead, call the police. Please. I'd love to have my husband here. He'll get the truth out of you. Iris: You think? Carly: Oh, he didn't buy that embezzlement story any more than I did. Iris: No? That's funny. Because he's the one who told me to come up with it in the first place.
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