Thursday July 5, 2001
In today’s show,
Katie’s dream comes true – Simon comes to rescue her!
Unfortunately for Henry, he only wants to rescue Katie.
Katie
is sleeping with her coconut husband. “Simon,
where are you?” she murmurs sleepily. Shirtless
Simon appears and calls, “Katie?” Katie
opens her 
eyes to see Simon coming to rescue her, just like she’s seen in her
dreams dozens of times. She walks
over to him and touches him as if she’s afraid he’ll disappear. “You’re in my dream,” she says.
“No, I am on your damn beach. If
you do anything like this again, I’m gonna leave you here,” says the very
un-dreamlike Simon. Katie’s jaw
drops in shock; this really isn’t a dream!
She drops the coconut
Simon on the real Simon’s foot.
“Ow! Ow!
Ow!” he cries in pain. “Oh,
Simon, I’m sorry. I’m so so
sorry,” says Katie. “Don’t -
don’t touch me!” says Simon, pulling away.
“Is your foot OK?” asks Katie worriedly.
“Yes it’s fine, leave me alone. Ow!” says Simon.
“You found me!” says Katie in disbelief.
“Yes, yes I found you. What
did you think I was going to do, leave you here?
Wake up!” says Simon, frustrated.
He looks at Katie, and realizing what he almost lost, he kisses her.
Henry and Cooley
walk into the clearing, discussing food. “We’ll
have the guava first, and then the papaya,” says Henry.
“Yeah you’ve got a great future as a fruit,” comments Cooley.
They suddenly look up to see Katie and Simon 
kissing passionately.
“Hand me a coconut,” says Cooley threateningly.
“Not on your life island boy,” answers Henry. “Are you nuts? A
- he’s kissing her. B - she
wouldn’t kiss you or me. C -
he’s a nasty son of a - he burned
down my hut and threw me off a cliff. Now,
if we clock him now while she’s sucking the life out of him I got a chance. Otherwise, it’s two against two and he’s got the
plane,” says Cooley. “Yeah,
which is exactly why he’s safe from me,” says Henry diplomatically.
“Oh, well, get out of my way you coward,” says Cooley as he grabs a
coconut and charges towards Simon, screaming.
Just then Simon and Katie break apart, and Cooley runs through them and
lands in the ocean.
“I knew it!”
says Katie delightedly. “Um…
get your stuff we’re going home,” says a confused Simon.
“You kissed me back!” says Katie.
“Me, kiss you? What!?
You’re hallucinating, you’re crazy,” denies Simon.
“No, Uh uh, my lips have memory,” says Katie.
“Look Katie, I wouldn’t kiss you if you were
stranded here for 6
years,” says Simon. “Well,
you’d be surprised what you’d kiss if you were stranded here,” interjects
Henry. “Oh really?” asks Simon
curiously. “Tell him.
Tell him, Henry. Tell him
you saw him kiss me,” orders Katie. “Yeah,
I’d swear to anything today. Simon,
it has been bleak. I mean,
wow!” says Henry, sniffing his armpit. “No
vodka, no gin, and nothing but kumquats and Katie, who truth be told, never gave
up hope. I mean, she said that you
would come…” “And kiss me!”
adds Katie. “And not that I
doubted our Katie here, but the idea of you just dropping everything and flying
out here to rescue us…” continues Henry.
“And kiss me!” says Katie again.
“Well, it was farfetched. But
here you are! You’re the man. Here you are rescuing us…” 
observes Henry.
“And kissing me!” declares Katie.
Henry looks at her and explains, “Too much sun.”
“Yeah, right, right, and who’s fault is that, Henry?” accuses
Simon. “Well, listen, I packed
sun block, but our friend Cooley seems to have eaten it,” explains Henry.
“You put my wife into danger,” says Simon angrily.
“No, no, no, no, no. Your
wife was the least person in danger. In
fact, in fact I think she would have eaten us.
Not eaten us, but if you hadn’t show up, maybe boiled us, made dinner
out of us or something. Tell him
about the fire ants, Katie,”
says Henry defensively.
“You took advantage of her, didn’t you?
You took advantage of her, yeah?” says Simon protectively.
“No, no, no, no. She’s the one who came up with all of this,” responds
Henry. “You cooked up this entire
scheme,” accuses Simon. “It was
her idea!” says Henry. “Give me
one good reason why I shouldn’t ring your neck,” threatens Simon as he grabs
Henry’s collar. “Katie, would
you give him a reason? All right,
will you, now?” pleads Henry. But
all Katie can say is, “Wife, he said wife!”
Henry and Simon both look at her like she’s crazy.
“Hey,
hey, far be it from to come between a girl and her dream, or a man and his
wife,” says Henry. “Wife?”
says Katie, still in shock. “No,
no, no, no. I know what it costs to
rent a plane, Henry, and Katie doesn’t have that, so this is your operation
from the start,” says Simon. “No,
au contraire, mon ami. Your little
Katie is quite the manager. She
squirreled away a small fortune working at WOAK. Tell him Katie,” says Henry.
Simon and Henry stop their struggling and look over at Katie.
“I told you I was good with money, you just never 
listened,” she
explains. “Thirty grand, I kid
you not,” says Henry. “Look,
being good with money doesn’t mean she has to give it to the first leech that
comes along,” says Simon, turning back to Henry.
“Scouts honor, I did not touch a penny.
She got the gear, she rented the plane,” explains Henry.
“She can’t fly a plane!” points out Simon.
“All right, yes, the flying part was me, but that’s only because she
begged me to do it,” admits Henry. “And
you listened to her?” asks Simon. “You
try stopping a
Peretti in full battle mode.
What am I saying? You
can’t, you’re here, aren’t you?” says Henry, proving that he’s not the
only one to fall prey to Katie’s manipulations.
“He’s right, it’s all your fault,” agrees Katie.
“What? My fault?” asks
Simon in disbelief, letting go of Henry. “Yes,
because you’re you, and I love you. And
I knew you wouldn’t love me unless I found the diamond.
So that involved getting the plane and convincing Henry, and so here we
are. But it’s all OK because you
kissed me back! And the best part
is - I found the diamond. So
all’s well that ends well, right?” she says, hugging him happily.
Simon cannot believe what he’s hearing.
“Wait, wait,
what do you mean ‘found my diamond?’ That’s
impossible,” says Simon. “Not
for me. I just put on my scuba gear, I swam out to that reef, I 
dove
down and it was there, in the middle of all this seaweed,” explains Katie.
“And that’s the God’s honest truth,” confirms Cooley as he comes
out of the ocean, covered in seaweed. “Ah,
she’s a wonder, your wife, and if you ever raise a hand to her you’ll answer
to me,” he warns. “Oh no, no,
Simon would never do that. I mean,
sometime she gets a little frustrated and angry but then he just slams out of
the house,” says Katie. “Well,
then he’s a fool. If you were my
woman…” begins
Cooley. “What?
I don’t think we need to entertain Katie’s husband with such a remote
possibility,” interrupts Henry. “Anything
you say, Mango Mama,” agrees Cooley. “Ha, ha, ha, ha. It’s
true, Simon, Katie found the diamond,” says Henry. “Well that’s great, fine, that is fantastic news, just
show me,” demands Simon. “I
would, no I will, as soon as we find the bird,” says Katie.
“And we will find the bird, I mean, it’s 
gotta come down one of these
days,” says Cooley. “Don’t
they spawn or something?” asks Henry. “No,
that’s salmon,” explains Katie. “No,
mate,” says Cooley. “That’s
Simon,” says Katie slyly. Henry
and Cooley laugh, but Simon doesn’t seem at all amused.
“Sorry, just a little wrinkle Simon, nothing to fret about,”
reassures Henry. “See, I was
showing the boys the diamond,” says Katie.
“It’s gorgeous!” says Cooley.
“Yeah, and this bird swoops down,” continues Henry.
“It swoops down,” says Katie. “And
it just made off with it,” finishes Cooley.
“So as soon as we
find the bird we’ll show you the diamond,” says
Katie. “Just wait, wait. So you swam out into those currents, which drowned probably
the strongest woman I know, and then you, what?
You dove down into some razor sharp reef, and then you found a diamond
that had been lost there for one year, and then a bird swoops in and flies
away?” asks Simon. “Yeah,”
says Katie. “That’s it,” says
Cooley. “In a nutshell,” says
Henry. “That is the craziest
story I ever heard!” exclaims Simon. “Well,
unfortunately it’s true,” says Henry. “Right,
fine. You’re all a little bit –
whatever. Katie, get your stuff,
honey. We’re going home,” says
Simon. “Not without the diamond
we’re not,” replies Katie. “We
are leaving, OK?” demands Simon. “Uh
uh, no diamond, no Katie,” insists Katie.
“You
want her to go home with you? Just tell her you love her, diamond or no diamond,”
suggests Cooley. “No, no, no, no,
that’s not fair. Simon has
dedicated his entire life to wooing rich women.
I was a rich woman for five seconds, and I will be again.
I will find your diamond,” promises Katie. “I 
don’t need the… Katie, I’m out of here.
Now, if you’re coming with me, it’s now or never,” says Simon.
“No, I am not giving up on your dream, no matter what you say,” says
Katie stubbornly. “Whoa, whoa,
wait, wait a second there. Hey,
where are you going?” asks Henry as he stops Simon.
“Listen, I can live without diamonds, but vodka is another story.
So if you’re casting off…” he says.
“What kind of con man are you that you wouldn’t take a chance on a
sure thing?” challenges Katie. “What,
what, what, a bird with a diamond in it’s beak?” asks Simon.
“Me! I am a sure thing.
Tell me, OK, think about it. How
many women do you know who would get a plane, crash it, come to this island,
dive in the middle of the ocean and find a diamond - for you.
I’m amazing! Would you bet
on me?” she asks Cooley. “In a
heartbeat, darling!” he says. “And
you?” she asks Henry. “Yeah,
unfortunately I find you impossible to resist,” he replies.
“See, so you’re outvoted. So,
what
we need to do is make some kind of a weapon and then we’ll find my
bird,” says Katie confidently. “What,
your bird? There has to be at least
10,000 on this island,” says Simon realistically.
“Well, this one has a ring around his beak and very sharp eyes,” says
Katie. “Well, that narrows it
down,” says Simon sarcastically. “Hey,
what is the big deal? Why not take
a chance? You’re already here.
I got it out of the water, all we need to do is find it in the air,”
says Katie. “Well, you can you
can look one last time as we’re flying away,” offers Simon generously.
“Fine, go home if you want. But
I’m gonna stay here and I’m gonna find your diamond, and then I’m gonna
swim home and give it to you,” promises Katie.
“Katie, Katie, I think now is the time to reconsider,” suggests
Henry. “No, not a chance,” says Katie firmly. Henry turns to Simon. “Simon!
Hey, you know your wife. She
is stubborn. Listen, I tell you
what. Why don’t we just take off
for the mainland? There’s this
cute little bar right on the outer banks, and then we’ll let her get her hands
dirty here and come back and pick her up around 0800 hours,” says Henry.
“Listen, mate, you are not going anywhere,” declares Simon.
“See
that - see that plane out there?” asks Simon, pointing out to the horizon.
“Yeah, case in point. Kathryn,
Kathryn,” calls Henry, pulling her over to look.
“Would you observe the structures that are holding up that plane,
please?” “The 
pontoons?”
guesses Katie correctly. “Mmm
hmm, exactly. Yes, my dear, that is
a sea plane, which is what she failed to rent,” accuses Henry. “Hey!”
cries Katie in defense. “Causing
us to have that little accident just north of here that I’ll never forget,”
continues Henry. “That’s pretty
small,” observes Cooley. “Yes,
it is small, very small. So,
sweetheart, you ain’t going anywhere,” says Simon to Henry.
“What? You won’t even
know I’m there. No hold it,
better idea. I’ve got it - why
don’t I just take the first leg. I’m
a great pilot, you can ask Katie. That
way you two can just cozy up in the back seat there,” suggests Henry. 
“What back seat?” asks Simon.
“And get reacquainted. But,
yeah, two’s company, three’s a, you know, big pain in the butt.
But since I’ve been keeping your wife alive here, I really….”
Suddenly Henry realizes what Simon said.
“What, what, ‘What back seat?’
What, what?” he asks, confused. “Uh,
that’s what I mean, ‘What back seat.’
That’s a two-seater plane. So
anybody wanna guess what cross-dressing cutie pie gets to stay behind?” asks
Simon. “Cross-dressing? You make a habit of this?” asks Cooley. Henry rolls his eyes while Simon and Katie look amused.
Today’s episode was directed by Maria Wagner and
written by Elizabeth Page.
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