Thursday, June 21, 2001
At the end of yesterday’s show Cooley made a proposition
to Katie – he would return the trunk in exchange for a night with her.
Today’s show begins with Katie mulling over the deal.
Meanwhile, back in Oakdale, Simon has found Katie’s note and begins to
get worried.
Katie starts to walk away from Cooley.
“Now, where are you going, missy?” he asks, going after her.
“I don't know. Where are
you going?” stalls Katie. “After
you. Now, you give me what I want,
then I'll give you the trunk and the scuba stuff that you want, and we'll just
keep giving till it hurts,” says Cooley, leering at her.
“Henry, do something,” pleads Katie.
“You can't be 
suggesting
what I think you're suggesting, because that's just disgusting,” says Henry
with his arm around her protectively. “Hey.
I've called this place home for 27 years, except for a brief visit to the
Florida department of corrections, and that's a long time to go without a
woman,” explains Cooley. “That's
a long time to go without personal hygiene.
When's the last time you thought of taking a long, long shower?”
wonders Katie. “Shower?”
repeats Cooley, laughing. “Well,
you'd better get used to life in the wild, little missy.
It's just natural. It's just
the way the creator intended.” “Yeah,
well, the creator also invented inventors who cooked up all sorts of nice
potions to make the human condition less gruesome,” says Henry the
outdoorsman. “Oh, back off,
Lightfoot. I want what only a woman
can provide,” says Cooley. “And
what could that possibly be? Decorating
tips? Nice, home-cooked meal?
Good back-waxing?” jokes Katie. “Everything
that's under that parachute, princess. I
want it all,” answers Cooley.
Katie tries to flatter him, saying, “You know what?
You're actually kind of sweet. You
remind me of my great-great – “ “Oh,
knock it off, and let's get down to business,” interrupts Cooley. “I can't. I
can't ‘get down to business’ with anyone,” protests Katie. “Yeah, including her husband,” adds Henry helpfully.
“I am just very happily, ecstatically married, so even though I'm sure
you're a great catch, I just can't, and even if I weren't married, you're 
just
not really my type,” explains Katie tactfully.
“Well, you're mine. You're
healthy, you're young, and you're the only female in miles.
Now, you don't got to be Miss Right.
You just got to be Miss Right Now,” says Cooley.
Henry steps in, saying, “Okay, excuse me for interrupting here, but the
sheer vulgarity of this incredibly indecent proposal is -- my mind is actually
boggled.” “What is your
problem, Sunshine?” demands Cooley. “We
are negotiating -- we are negotiating the return of a trunk and scuba gear, not
a billion-dollar payoff. Now, you
are asking her to desecrate her morals, her wedding vows and sacrifice her body
to you for a trunk? I mean, come on
– “ Cooley grabs him by the
collar and Henry quickly backs down, saying, “Then again, I'm sure
she's very well worth it. Good
luck, Peretti.” “Oh, thanks a
lot, Henry,” says Katie. “Now,
so what's it gonna be? You spend a
little time with me, you get back all that junk in that trunk,” offers Cooley. “That's it? That's
the deal?” asks Katie. “Nonnegotiable,”
answers Cooley. “Well, if that's
the way it's got to be -- I'll take it,” agrees Katie.
“Pucker up,” warns Cooley as he approaches Katie and
grabs her around the waist. “Yeah, yeah, be careful what you ask for there.
This little princess has been known to attach herself faster than a leech
on an open wound,” warns Henry. “Oh,
shut up, Henry,” says Katie. “Or
I'll shut you up permanently,” threatens Henry.
“I'm making a huge sacrifice for the man that I love.
I just 
hope
that Simon loves me and understands me enough to forgive me.
All right. Okay.
For Simon. This is for
Simon,” Katie tells herself. “Okay.
Here we go,” says Cooley as he begins to kiss her neck.
He looks at Henry who is watching them.
“Why don't you vamoose for a day or two?
We'll call you when we're done.” “Leave,
Henry,” says Katie tearfully. “I
hope you know what you're doing,” says Henry worriedly as he leaves.
“Now that I've finally got you all to myself, where do I begin?
Yum-yum,” says Cooley as kisses her neck.
Katie stands there motionless with a look of disgust on her
face as Cooley kisses her. He gets
upset that she’s “just standing there.”
She explains that 
it’s
her coping mechanism, “When I am being humiliated beyond all recognition,
sometimes my consciousness leaves my body, and it comes back when it's over.”
Cooley is not happy with this development and calls the deal off, saying,
“Oh. Oh, forget it!
I mean, if you're gonna pull this cold fish stuff, forget about the
flippers, forget about the wet suit.” Katie
stops him, saying, “No, no, no,
wait. Okay, listen, listen to me,
okay? We are both rational adults.
I'm sure that we can come up with some mutually agreed upon solution.”
She tells him it would be easier if they were more civilized about it.
“Oh, come on! Are you looking for some -- some smooth pick-up line, a
couple of slick moves on the dance floor? You
came to the wrong disco!” says Cooley. “No,
it's just -- all I'm saying is that I'd be a little more willing if you would
clean up a little bit, get nice and shiny for me, make an effort, put on some
clean clothes,” explains Katie. “Why?
I just have to get out of them again,” counters Cooley.
“When was the last time you shaved or took a nice, hot, soapy bath,
used some moisturizer?” 
asks
Katie. “Oh, see, now, there's
your problem right there. You've
been spending too much time with those baby-smooth sweet boys like Lightfoot.
I'm gonna show you what a man is like,” says Cooley.
“After your beauty bath, okay, you can show me whatever you want,”
says Katie. Cooley explains that
there are no beauty parlors on the island, and Katie offers him the use of the
supplies and clothes in the trunk. She
asks him to go get it, bring it back, and she’ll help him get started. “You trying to pull a fast one?
Now, how can I be sure that you'll keep your end of the bargain?” asks
Cooley suspiciously. “You want a
down payment?” asks Katie as she grabs him and kisses him.
Cooley seems fairly impressed with the kiss, and Katie
tells him, “Well, there's more where that came from after you bring back the
trunk.” “I'll be right back,”
says Cooley as he runs off to get the trunk.
“All right. Hurry up.
These sizzling lips are getting cooler by the second,” calls Katie as
he leaves. She then turns to her
husband the coconut, who has been watching the whole thing.
“That was the single most repulsive, stomach-churning, humiliating
thing I have ever done! I just
kissed a walking compost heap for you. Now,
do you get it? Do you understand
that I would do anything in the world to make you happy?” Henry peeks around a bush asking, “You decent?”
“More like disgusted beyond your wildest imagination,” answers Katie.
“You two lovebirds finished up awfully quick.
What a hermit, huh? He loves
you, he leaves you. I never thought
you would go so far for so little, but so be it,” says Henry awkwardly.
“Do you know when to shut up, Henry?!” asks Katie.
Apparently he doesn’t, as he continues the line of discussion.
“I sincerely hope you used protection,” he says helpfully.
“Oh, don't make me any sicker than I already am,” says Katie.
“You mean you two didn't?” asks Henry.
“No. What kind of woman do
you think I am?” protests Katie. Henry
is very relieved, and answers, “Hey, you know the answer to that, Peretti.
So listen, how did you convince the hermit to keep his hands off you,
huh?” “Well, I told him to go
get the trunk so he could clean himself up a bit, and then I'd think about
it,” explains Katie. “Well,
hey, a world of overpriced aftershave and minty-fresh toothpaste could not get
the ick off of that guy,” observes Henry.
“I know,” Katie agrees. “So
what's the plan for round three?” asks Henry.
“Well, when he comes back, I grab the scuba gear, I swim out to reef,
and you waylay,” says Katie. “How
am I supposed to ‘waylay’ him?” asks Henry.
“Ready or not, here I come!” calls Cooley as he approaches with the
trunk. “You've got to think of
something and fast!” begs Katie.
Cooley walks up dragging the trunk, grunting and saying,
“There you go, your very own lost treasure.”
Katie and Henry run over to it, as excited as kids on 
Christmas morning.
“I get first dibs,” calls Katie as she begins to dig through the
trunk. “No, no.
Hands off anything that's mine. I
have been dreaming of this for so long, and – “ Henry stops talking as they
realize all their food has been eaten. All
that’s left is empty wrappers. “You
ate it? You ate everything?
You filthy, selfish pig! How
could you eat all of our food?” yells Katie.
“Well, try living on fish and unripe mangoes with an interlude of
prison food. Can you really blame
me?” says Cooley defensively. “I
could kill you! Where's our scuba
gear?” demands Katie, thinking of the diamond.
“Well, I may be a pig, but I ain't a dumb pig.
That scuba stuff's in a secret and safe place till I get what was
promised,” says Cooley. “Hand
it over now!” demands Katie. “No,
no, no, no, no. You see, I don't
get what I want, and you don't get what you want.
Now, I know that I promised you that I would get smooth and clean for
you, and you promised that you would show me how to start,” he reminds her,
handing her some things from the trunk. “Okay,
sure. You wash my back, and I'll
slash your throat,” says Katie with a razor in her hand.
“Well now, you see that? See
that? Sometimes you're as sweet as
tupelo honey, and other times, you're like a venus flytrap,” observes Cooley.
“You picked up on that, too, huh?” says Henry.
“Here. Okay, you go get
yourself reacquainted with the wonderful world of hygiene and come back
tomorrow,” says Katie as she hands him some clothes and toiletries.
“Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Tomorrow?!” asks Cooley. “It'll
be worth your while,” promises Katie. “Well,
you better get lots of rest, little girl, because you're gonna need it,” says
Cooley as he leaves.
“I love it. I
do. I just love it.
I love how all of my luxury items, right down to the bare necessities,
and not to mention my unmentionables, is fair game where that barnacle is
concerned!” says Henry angrily. “Necessary
sacrifices,” says Katie. “That
moisturizer alone set me back 60 bucks,” complains Henry.
“That is nothing compared to what I have to give up, all right?
It is bad enough that I have to give up my marriage vows for that
disgusting pig, but now, he's gonna be smelling exactly like you,” says Katie.
Henry looks offended!
Today’s episode was directed by Michael Eilbaum and
written by Lynn Martin.
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