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Thursday, June 16, 2005 On today's show Mike comes up with an idea to help Henry save his marriage. But will Henry go through with it?
Mike and Henry are sitting at the bar at the Lakeview Lounge, and Henry is insisting he's not lonely. "Stop it. You are miserable without Katie," says Mike. He offers to help, and Henry scoffs, "You can help? You, Mike Kasnoff, the love of Katie's life, are going to help save her marriage to me?" "That's right," says Mike. "Mike, you can't be part of the solution if you are the problem, okay?" says Henry. Mike reminds Henry that he's married now. "That is a change in status, my friend. It doesn't change her feelings towards you," says Henry. "No, you did that. She loves you," Mike tells him. "I'm not -- no. I'm not even gonna go down this road, okay? Because Katie and I are finished, and we are at peace with that. Now, if you excuse me, my date is waiting," says Henry, waving at a woman who looks very similar to Katie. "That's your date?" laughs Mike. "Yeah. What's wrong with her?" asks Henry. "Oh, nothing, nothing. But, if you picked her because you think you're over your wife, you're in bigger trouble than I thought you were," says Mike
Henry walks towards his date but Mike pulls him back. "Excuse us. She is living proof that you are not ready to walk away from your wife," says Mike. "Watch me, Mike," says Henry. "Henry, she looks exactly like Katie," observes Mike. "There may be a passing resemblance, yes. But just because Sadie has blonde hair and big eyes, does not make...." "Sadie? Oh, well, what does that rhyme with? Let me think. Next thing you know, you're gonna tell me she's got a pet rabbit, too," jokes Mike. But by the look on Henry's face, it might be true. "I don't believe it. Katie has Snickers and Sadie has -- what? Giggles?" asks Mike. "That is where the similarities end, okay? I think that Sadie could be a special person for me. She is warm, she is charming, she is witty. She likes long walks on the beach," says Henry. "Sounds like a personal ad. Where did you meet her?" asks Mike. "Online," admits Henry, "There are -- there are very meaningful relationships that could be made through the worldwide web, Mike." "So, you saw a picture of her, and thought that she looked like your wife, so you picked her?" guesses Mike. "No, I looked beyond the photo. Her profile told me that we could be kindred spirits," says Henry. "Uh-huh. How many beaches have you walked along lately?" asks Mike. "That's it, that's it, okay? My date is waiting."
Henry joins Sadie at her table, hanging his jacket on the back of the chair. He apologizes for the interruption, and Sadie asks who he was talking to. "A friend. Why do you ask?" says Henry. "Oh, just wondering," answers Sadie. "Do you, uh, do you find him attractive?" asks Henry. "Not particularly. I like 'em tall and blond. Kinda like you," smiles Sadie. "You're lovely. You're incredible. This calls for a celebratory martini, it really does," says Henry. "Oh, I ordered you this beer," giggles Sadie. "That's great, 'cause I love beer," says Henry a little to enthusiastically. "Yeah, baby! Let's chug 'em. I bet you I can beat ya," challenges Sadie. "Okay. I -- I bet you can. You go ahead and do it first." Sadie drinks her beer and Henry says, "Whoo, pretty close." "It's a sure thing, honey," says Sadie.
"Yeah, tell you what, after drinks, what do you say we go out to this nice little jazz club I know," suggests Henry. "Jazz?" asks Sadie dubiously. "Not really jazz. It's more -- it's this adorable little piano bar, and they do these standards. You know, old standards. And the audience gets to get up there and sing along with them. It's really great," says Henry. "Cool, yeah. You know, and then after that, why don't we, like, head over to the elderly home, the nursing home, and play some canastas," laughs Sadie. "Okay. All righty, then. What do you suggest?" laughs Henry. Sadie says that she's hungry, so Henry suggests French, Italian, or maybe sushi. "I was thinking Mabel's Red Hots. Their dogs are, like, to die for. And they've got the best beer this side of Milwaukee," laughs Sadie. "Good. I love a good dog," lies Henry. "Cool. Oh, maybe I could invite some of my biker buddies to join us there," suggests Sadie. "Biker buddies?" asks Henry. "I know. It sounds a little funky, but once you get past the leather collars and the facial hair, they're really just a bunch of teddy bears. I normally wouldn't, you know, have them horn in on our date or anything, but today is pit bull's birthday," explains Sadie. "And me without a present. Goodness, what do you get a leather-wearing teddy bear named pit bull?" wonders Henry. Sadie laughs and spits her beer all over Henry. "Oh. I'm so sorry. You're a riot," she says.
Sadie helps Henry clean up, then leaves to call her friends. Mike wanders over and asks Henry if he's ready to surrender. "Why don't you back off, Kasnoff, you're messing up my mojo," snaps Henry. "Oh, come on, who are you kidding? Sadie may look like Katie, but she is no more your type than I am," says Mike. "Well, maybe I've decided to embrace the anti-Katie, all right? So what if she prefers beer to martinis, or snorts when she laughs or has a penchant for hairy men who wear leather?" says Henry. "If you tell me that opposites attract," says Mike. "Well, maybe they do. And really, Mike, who needs to be happy when you can be..." "Safe?" says Mike. "Safe. Safe is good. Not being a doormat is good," says Henry. "But you're just being stubborn," sighs Mike. Sadie comes back and introduces herself to Mike. "The gang is on for meeting us at Mabel's," she says. "Great. I should -- you know what I should do? I should really change my shirt," says Henry. "Oh, honey, don't sweat that. You are gonna get a lot dirtier before the night's out. Yeah, the guys wanna, you know, take the bikes down to the swamp later, get a little mud on our tires," laughs Sadie. "Whoa, yeah. Well, you know, I..." begins Henry, searching for an excuse. Mike comes to his rescue. "Yeah. Yeah, what do you want me to tell them about that call you got from work?" he asks. "Yeah, I got this call. Someone's sick at work and they need me to fill in," says Henry. "Aw, man. Pit bull was totally looking forward to meeting you," sighs Sadie. "I can't tell you how disappointed I am," says Henry. Sadie asks him to call her sometime, and Henry assures her he will. Sadie leaves and Henry grabs Mike by the collar and begs, "Tell me how to save my marriage!"
Katie is at the cottage with Alison, packing up for a wilderness adventure. "My husband's gone, Mike is just pretending to be my friend and I've alienated my own brother. There's really no reason not to go, except for Snickers. And, well, when a rabbit is the only male in your life who's not running for the hills, it's time to do a little running yourself. Just for a little while, at least," explains Katie. "I can't just sit around thinking about Henry 24/7." The phone rings and Katie sees that it's Henry. Alison tells her to pick up the phone but she says, "He's probably just calling to tell me to take his name off our lottery subscription or something." "Katie, answer it!" orders Alison. "What if he wants the rest of his martini collection back? I can't handle another hit before I leave," says Katie. When no one answers Henry tells Mike he doesn't think it's such a good idea. "Don't you hang that phone up. Listen, you leave her a message and call her cell phone," instructs Mike. Alison threatens to answer the phone herself, so picks it up. "Henry?" she says. "Hi," says Henry, "Um, I was thinking about...." "About what?" asks Katie. There is silence on the other end. "This is really bad. He can't even talk," Katie whispers to Alison. Finally Henry blurts out, "I was thinking about meeting you at the Lakeshore Hotel in Chicago." "All right. Wait. Wait a second. Did you just ask me to meet you at a hotel in Chicago?" asks Katie, shocked. "Can't do it, huh?" says Henry. "No, yes, of course, I can. Yes. Absolutely. When?" asks Katie. "As soon as you can make it there," says Henry, hanging up the phone. "I don't think this is such a good idea," he says again. "Whoa. Do you love her?" asks Mike. "Yes," answers Henry. "Do you want her?" asks Mike. "Yes. And she did sound happy to hear from me," says Henry. "Stick with me, by the morning, you will both be smiling," says Mike.
Mike and Henry walk into the hotel room in Chicago. "Mike, what if she doesn't come?" worries Henry. "She'll come," insists Mike. "I told her and I told her that if she really loved me, that the best thing to do was to leave me alone. Now, what if she thinks this is just a test, and that the best way to prove her love is to just keep away?" asks Henry. "Okay. You're thinking about this too much. All right? Katie's married to you. She's coming here because you asked her to," says Mike, "She's gonna be here soon, so we need to make it quick." Henry asks him why he's doing this. "Because if Katie has you, maybe she will stop obsessing about her brother and me and my wife and our baby," answers Mike. "And I was your best man." "That was Katie's idea," Henry reminds him. "But we were friends before that. And you love your wife. Tell me that you're not wearing that," says Mike. "What? Oh, man. I forgot that Sadie spilled this beer all over me. I must smell like a brewery," says Henry. "I will go to the lobby, I'll find something." Mike tells him to be quick, and Henry thanks him.
Henry comes back in the room wearing a new shirt with an ascot. "Amazing. I have taught you well," he says, observing the roses strewn about the room. Mike says he forgot the champagne, and gives Henry some last-minute instructions before he leaves to go get it. "Listen, you're gonna drink first, remember? Okay, do other things next. Talk much, much later. Don't start rehashing your problems the minute she walks in the door." "Got it," says Henry. He sits on the bed covered with rose petals, and thinks about Katie. He remembers all the times that she hurt him. He sighs, puts a rose in his lapel, and looks towards the door.
Mike comes back with the champagne. "All right, Henry. I got two bottles of champagne, just in case you guys decide to get a little wild. All right, Henry. I'm outta here. Henry?" He sees a note on the pillow and reads it, "Mike, I'm sorry, but I couldn't go through with it. Thanks for trying." There's a knock on the door and Mike answers it. It's Katie. Today’s episode was directed by Michael Eilbaum and written by Susan Dansby.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Henry: I am not lonely. Mike: Stop it. You are miserable without Katie. Henry: So? Mike: I can help you. Henry: You can help? You, Mike Kasnoff, the love of Katie's life, are going to help save her marriage to me? Mike: That's right. Henry: Mike, you can't be part of the solution if you are the problem, okay? Mike: Henry, I'm married now. Henry: That is a change in status, my friend. It doesn't change her feelings towards you. Mike: No, you did that. She loves you. Henry: I'm not -- no. I'm not even gonna go down this road, okay?. Because Katie and I are finished, and we are at peace with that. Now, if you excuse me, my date is waiting. [ Mike laughs ] Mike: That's your date? Henry: Yeah. What's wrong with her? Mike: Oh, nothing, nothing. But, if you picked her because you think you're over your wife, you're in bigger trouble than I thought you were.
Mike: Excuse us. She is living proof that you are not ready to walk away from your wife. Henry: Watch me, Mike. Mike: Henry, she looks exactly like Katie. Henry: There may be a passing resemblance, yes. But just because Sadie has blonde hair and big eyes, does not make -- Mike: Sadie? Oh, well, what does that rhyme with? Let me think. Next thing you know, you're gonna tell me she's got a pet rabbit, too. [ Gasps ] I don't believe it. Katie has Snickers and Sadie has -- what? Giggles? Henry: That is where the similarities end, okay? I think that Sadie could be a special person for me. She is warm, she is charming, she is witty. She likes long walks on the beach. Mike: Sounds like a personal ad. Where did you meet her? Henry: Online. Mike: Oh, come on! Henry: There are -- there are very meaningful relationships that could be made through the worldwide web, Mike. Mike: So, you saw a picture of her, and thought that she looked like your wife, so you picked her? Henry: No, I looked beyond the photo. Her profile told me that we could be kindred spirits. Mike: Uh-huh. How many beaches have you walked along lately? Henry: That's it, that's it, okay? My date is waiting. Sorry about that. Sadie: So, who's that guy you were talking to? Henry: A friend. Why do you ask? Sadie: Oh, just wondering. Ah. Henry: Do you, uh, do you find him attractive? Sadie: Not particularly. I like 'em tall and blond. Kinda like you. Henry: You're lovely. You're incredible. This calls for a celebratory martini, it really does. Sadie: Oh, I ordered you this beer. [ Sadie giggles ] Henry: That's great, 'cause I love beer. Sadie: Yeah, baby! Let's chug 'em. I bet you I can beat ya. Henry: Okay. I -- I bet you can. You go ahead and do it first. Whoo, pretty close. Sadie: It's a sure thing, honey. Henry: Yeah, tell you what, after drinks, what do you say we go out to this nice little jazz club I know. Sadie: Jazz? Henry: Not really jazz. It's more -- it's this adorable little piano bar, and they do these standards. You know, old standards. And the audience gets to get up there and sing along with them. It's really great. Sadie: Cool, yeah. You know, and then after that, why don't we, like, head over to the elderly home, the nursing home, and play some canastas. Henry: Okay. [ Sadie laughs ] All righty, then. What do you suggest? Sadie: I'm kind of hungry. Henry: Great, I'm starving. What do you say to French, Italian, maybe some sushi? Sadie: I was thinking Mabel's Red Hots. Their dogs are, like, to die for. And they've got the best beer this side of Milwaukee. [ Sadie laughs ] Henry: Good. I love a good dog. Sadie: Cool. Oh, maybe I could invite some of my biker buddies to join us there. Henry: Biker buddies? Sadie: I know. It sounds a little funky, but once you get past the leather collars and the facial hair, they're really just a bunch of teddy bears. Henry: Oh. Sadie: I normally wouldn't, you know, have them horn in on our date or anything, but today is pit bull's birthday. I know, I know. Henry: And me without a present. Goodness, what do you get a leather-wearing teddy bear named pit bull? Sadie: Oh. I'm so sorry. You're a riot. Henry: Oh.
Sadie: I'm gonna go call my friends. They're gonna love you. Henry: Great. Mike: You ready to surrender? Henry: Why don't you back off, Kasnoff, you're messing up my mojo. Mike: Oh, come on, who are you kidding? Sadie may look like Katie, but she is no more your type than I am. Henry: Well, maybe I've decided to embrace the anti-Katie, all right? So what if she prefers beer to martinis, or snorts when she laughs or has a penchant for hairy men who wear leather? Mike: If you tell me that opposites attract -- Henry: Well, maybe they do. And really, Mike, who needs to be happy when you can be -- Mike: Safe. Henry: Safe. Safe is good. Not being a doormat is good. Mike: But you're just being stubborn. Sadie: Sadie. Mike: Mikey. Sadie: Cool. Cool. Good to meet you. So? Henry: Yeah? Sadie: The gang is on for meeting us at Mabel's. Henry: Great. I should -- you know what I should do? I should really change my shirt. Sadie: Oh, honey, don't sweat that. You are gonna get a lot dirtier before the night's out. Yeah, the guys wanna, you know, take the bikes down to the swamp later, get a little mud on our tires. [ All laugh ] Henry: Whoa, yeah. Well, you know, I -- [ Henry clears throat ] Mike: Yeah. Yeah, what do you want me to tell them about that call you got from work? Henry: Oh, the call. Mike: Yeah. Henry: Yeah, I got this call. Someone's sick at work and they need me to fill in. Sadie: Aw, man. Pit bull was totally looking forward to meeting you. Henry: I can't tell you how disappointed I am. Sadie: Well, you have my number. Henry: Yeah. Sadie: Call me sometime. Henry: I sure will. Sadie: Okay. Henry: Tell me how to save my marriage.
Katie: My husband's gone, Mike is just pretending to be my friend and I've alienated my own brother. There's really no reason not to go, except for snickers. And, well, when a rabbit is the only male in your life who's not running for the hills, it's time to do a little running yourself. Just for a little while, at least. Alison: Even if all your problems will still be waiting for you when you get back? Katie: That will be then. Right now, I can't just sit around thinking about Henry 24/7. Alison: Okay. Well, it'll be nice having snickers for company after all these weeks with Aaron gone. And let me know how this back-to-basics adventure thing goes. [ Phone rings ] Katie: It's Henry. Alison: Pick it up. Katie: He's probably just calling to tell me to take his name off our lottery subscription or something. Alison: Katie, answer it. Katie: What if he wants the rest of his martini collection back? I can't handle another hit before I leave. [ Phone rings ] Henry: I don't think this is such a good idea. Mike: Don't you hang that phone up. Listen, you leave her a message and call her cell phone. Alison: Well, if you're not gonna get it, I will. Katie: Henry? Henry: Hi. Katie: Hi. Henry: Um, I was thinking about -- Katie: About what? Henry: About -- Katie: This is really bad. He can't even talk. Henry: Katie? Katie: Yes? Henry: I was thinking about meeting you at the lakeshore hotel in Chicago. Katie: All right. Wait. Wait a second. Did you just ask me to meet you at a hotel in Chicago? Henry: Can't do it, huh? Katie: No, yes, of course, I can. Yes. Absolutely. When? Henry: As soon as you can make it there. Katie: Okay. Henry just asked me to meet him in a hotel. Alison: That's great. Katie: I know. Is it? It is, isn't it? I mean, if he didn't wanna work things out, we'd be meeting in a lawyer's office. Alison: Well, at least you're already packed. Katie: Are you kidding? No, no, no, no. I'm not taking this stuff. For a trip like this, I'm bringing out the big guns. Henry: I don't think this is such a good idea. Mike: Whoa. Do you love her? Henry: Yes. Mike: Do you want her? Henry: Yes. And she did sound happy to hear from me. Mike: Stick with me, by the morning, you will both be smiling.
Henry: Mike, what if she doesn't come? Mike: She'll come. Henry: I told her and I told her that if she really loved me, that the best thing to do was to leave me alone. Now, what if she thinks this is just a test, and that the best way to prove her love is to just keep away? Mike: Okay. You're thinking about this too much. All right? Katie's married to you. She's coming here because you asked her to. Henry: Right. Mike: She's gonna be here soon, so we need to make it quick. Henry: Why are you doing this? Mike: Because if Katie has you, maybe she will stop obsessing about her brother and me and my wife and our baby. Henry: Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mike: And I was your best man. Henry: That was Katie's idea. Mike: But we were friends before that. And you love your wife. Tell me that you're not wearing that. Henry: What? Oh, man. I forgot that Sadie spilled this beer all over me. I must smell like a brewery. Mike: Yeah. Henry: I will go to the lobby, I'll find something. Mike: All right. Do it quickly. Henry: Yeah. Mike? Thank you.
Henry: Amazing. I have taught you well. Mike: No, I forgot the champagne. Henry: That's -- that's okay. It's okay, it's all right. Mike: No, no, it's not. It's not. Listen, you're gonna drink first, remember? Okay, do other things next. Talk much, much later. Don't start rehashing your problems the minute she walks in the door. Henry: Got it. What is this? Nice. Henry: Wow. Huh. What? What is it? Katie: Oh, I love you so much. I'm so sorry. I can't do this. Henry: So just do this for me. Please trust me. Take a risk. Get on that plane with me. You won't regret it. Sweetheart? Katie? Katie! Hey! Mike: Katie's married to you. She's coming here because you asked her to.
Mike: All right, Henry. I got two bottles of champagne, just in case you guys decide to get a little wild. All right, Henry. I'm outta here. Henry? Henry: Mike, I'm sorry, but I couldn't go through with it. Thanks for trying. Mike: Come on. [ Knock on door ]
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