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Tuesday, May 5, 2009 Kim wants to film a childbirth for the reality show. When Vienna says that Henry is working, Katie says not to worry, they can do it without him. She's secretly worried Henry is getting too attached to the baby. And she's right. Henry finds out about the class from Bob, from whom he's getting some fatherly advice. He shows up and disrupts the class. Katie tries to calm him down, but when they put the "bot baby" in his arms, he leaves and takes it home. Vienna finds him there, and he admits that he wants to raise this baby as their own. Meanwhile, Katie and Brad find out that "Dr. Schmeglitz" is not who they thought he was. Today’s episode was directed by Michael Eilbaum and written by Cheryl L. Davis.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Katie: Kim, hi! Kim: Good morning. I'm interrupting, as usual. Katie: No, no. We were just having some breakfast. Kim: Oh. Really? What is that? Brad: A healthy and nutritious breakfast. Vienna: It's green. My god. And it has hair. [ Laughter ] Brad: No. That's, uh -- that's -- that's sprouts. Katie: No. Oh, no, no, no. You are never going to the health-food store by yourself again. Kim: Well, you know, this is really -- this is really wonderful. You're all working so hard together to bring this baby into the world. And actually, that kind of fits right in with my idea for a new segment for our reality show. Vienna: Oh, just tell me it's not about health food. Kim: Oh, no, no, no. It's about childbirth education. I want to shoot you all taking one of the classes at the hospital. Vienna: Oh, that could be fun. Katie: Yeah, definitely. Kim: Good. Katie: By the time this baby is born, we're gonna know everything there is to know about childbirth. Brad: Just as long as there's no pop quizzes, count me in. Get it, "pop"? Kim: Never mind. I'm gonna go then and set it up. Uh, what about this afternoon? How does that work for you? Vienna: No, no. Henry's working. Katie: Oh, that's okay. We can do it without Henry.
Bob: And, uh, a side of bacon, extra crispy. Henry, did you get that? Henry: Yes. Wheat toast. Wheat. Got it. Bob: Is something wrong? Henry: No. Uh, yeah, there is. Can I -- can I ask you a question, as a doctor and as a father? Bob: Well, you can ask. Hopefully, one of us will give you an answer. Henry: Is there something wrong with someone who doesn't want kids? Bob: As a doctor, medically, there's nothing wrong. As a father, why don't you sit down and tell me about it? Is there someone particular that you're asking about? Henry: Yeah, it's me. Is there something wrong with me? [ Bob laughs ] Bob: Well, that depends. Why don't you want to have children? Henry: It's an intellectual decision. Bob: Oh, I see. You're scared. Henry: More like terrified.
Katie: Brad and I and Vienna will make great television all by ourselves. Trust me. Kim: Okay, if that's how you want it. Katie: It is. Kim: Uh, okay. I'll go to the studio and be ready for you. See you later. Katie: See you later. Vienna, I hope you understand. Vienna: No, no, Katie. I -- I don't. Why would you want to leave Henry out in the dark like that? Katie: We're just trying to think of what would make the best show. Brad: I mean, it's no offense. It's just Henry's kind of -- he's surplus to the baby-making enterprise. Vienna: Okay. I guess he'll understand once I'll explain it to him. Katie: No, no! Don't do that. Vienna: Why not? Katie: Just better this way. Vienna: No. Katie, that -- that's not good enough. I want to know why you want to keep Henry out of this process. Katie: Okay, fine. I'm worried. Vienna: About what?! Katie: That Henry is getting too possessive of our baby. Vienna: No, no, no, no. Don't be silly. Katie: It's true. Sometimes I think Henry has forgotten whose baby this really is.
Katie: It's just that Henry was acting so weird when we were talking with that pediatric geneticist. Brad: Yeah, the Shmeglitz guy. Katie: And it's not the first time that I've gotten a really odd vibe from him when it comes to this baby! Vienna: Well, Brad's probably right. It's just normal anxiety. That's all. Brad: Time. I mean, he probably just needs time. Katie: Well, good. That's what we're giving him. Vienna: Yes. Katie: We're gonna give him some time instead of insisting that he's part of every little part of this process. Vienna: Right, right. But keeping him in the dark will only make it worse! Katie: We'll tell him about the childbirth classes later. Not today. Today's the first day, and I really want to enjoy it. And I'm not gonna be able to do that if I'm worried about Henry. So please, just for today? Just this once. Vienna: Sure. Whatever you want. It's your baby.
Henry: I was a -- a father to my sisters, because my parents were either AWOL or crazy. And there was a lot of good times. I wouldn't have traded raising Maddie for anything in the world. But most of all, it was a thankless job. And, uh, I did happen to raise a psycho killer. You remember eve? So -- I think the world would be a better place if I just swore off fatherhood altogether. Bob: What happened with eve would have happened no matter what you did. I know you love Maddie. But having a child, whether it's biological or adopted, is a lot different than taking care of younger siblings. It's a different level of love. Henry: But you still get the sorrow and the worry and the heartache, right? Bob: But I'll tell you, when you hold your child and you look into those eyes, nothing will ever be the same again. It's a profound experience -- maybe the most profound experience. Be a shame if you missed out on that. Henry: It's obviously meant a lot to you. But I'm not you. Bob: Listen, nothing says you can't be a good father if you want to be. It's your choice. [ Cell phone rings ] That's Kim. I got to take it. Henry: Sure. Bob: Hello, there. Kim: Hello yourself. [ Kim laughs ] Listen, sweetie. I'm trying to schedule a childbirth class for Brad, Katie, and Vienna this afternoon for a reality show. And I'm wondering if you have a room here in the hospital that we might use. Bob: Uh, tell Perri she can use room 302. Kim: Fabulous. That's a huge help, darling. Bob: Nice to have connections, huh? I'll see you later. Well, Henry, you're really in a unique situation. [ Henry chuckles ] Henry: You bet I am. I mean what? Bob: Well, you and Vienna are going to have a dress rehearsal in parenthood without the obligation. Henry: Come again? Bob: Well, Kim just told me that Vienna's going to the hospital for a childbirth class. Henry: When? Bob: Later today, with Katie and Brad and one of our instructors. Henry: Really? Bob: Yeah. Henry: Well, if they think they're doing that without me, they've got another thing coming.
Perri: Hello, and welcome to the first in our series of childbirth classes. Why don't we begin with an easy question. Which one is the mother? [ Perri laughs ] Not such an easy question. Katie: I'm the mother. This is our dear friend Vienna. She's our surrogate. Perri: Oh. Okay, Vienna, why don't you come and stand over here? Is this your first experience with childbirth? Vienna: Yes, it is. Perri: Oh. Well, many of the new mothers feel overwhelmed by the experience. It's the lack of knowing what's going to happen that causes the anxiety and the fears. Vienna: Oh, I'm not afraid. Katie: Right. Vienna and I have been reading up on all of this. Oh, and we've decided to do this completely naturally -- no medication. Vienna: No, actually, we haven't really decided that yet. Katie: Yeah, we talked about that, the effect the medication can have on the baby. Vienna: Well, what about the affect it has on the mother? A little bit of medication will take all the pain away. Katie: But what about what's good for the baby. Brad: You know what? You know what? We can ask Perri all that after class. And right now, she's supposed to be running things, so why don't we just let her run them? Perri: Okay. Well, the first thing we're gonna start with is relaxation exercises. Vienna, why don't you lie down here on the floor? Vienna: Okay. Perri: I'll get a pillow for you. Okay. Just relax your body. That's it. Let all of the tension go. Vienna: Oh, I don't have any tension. Perri: Oh, well, maybe not right now, but when you do, these exercises are gonna come in very handy. Now, Brad and Katie, why don't you lie on either side of Vienna. Brad: Okay. Perri: I find that it's very helpful for the coaches to share as many experiences as possible with the birth mother. Katie: I think it makes sense for the mothers to lay next to each other, don't you, Perri? Perri: Whatever you're comfortable with. Okay. Now, let's just all be silent. Close your eyes. Let's listen to the rhythm of our breathing. On the count of three, we're going to inhale. 1, 2, 3. And on the count of three, exhale. 1, 2, and 3. [ Vienna exhales ] [ Cell phone rings ] Vienna: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I need to take this. I'll be back breathing in a minute. [ Vienna groans ] Hello, Henry. Henry: Hello, liebchen. What's new? Vienna: You sound angry. Henry: Angry? What should I have to be angry about? It's not like you and Brad and Katie are at a childbirth class that you didn't tell me about. Vienna: I wanted to tell you, but they wouldn't let me. Henry: Clearly they let you have phone privileges. You could have called. Vienna: Yeah, well, you're not missing out on anything. All we're doing right now is learning how to breathe. Henry: Breathe? That sounds -- that sounds really nice to me, because I feel like I have a giant stone sitting on my chest. Actually, you know what? It's two stones shaped like Katie and Brad. How could they do this? Whose baby do they think this is? Vienna: They think it's Brad's baby. And don't you forget it!
Vienna: Ahh. Oh, this is wonderful. But what does this have to do with giving birth? Perri: Well, this is just one of many techniques that's gonna help you to relax, both in pregnancy and during labor. You're very lucky to have two coaches. For example, and this is something I normally wouldn't teach until the end of the third trimester, but it can give you a way of understanding how you can work together during the actual birth itself, okay? Now, um, Vienna, lets have you lie down, just like this. And let's bring your knees up. Okay, just like this. Now, Katie, you're gonna stay right there her head. And, Brad, let's position you right here. Katie: There? Uh, really? Perri: Now, Katie, your job is going to be to count Vienna's breaths and make sure she's breathing correctly. Brad, you're gonna offer encouraging words. You're gonna support the doctor and just help Vienna to relax. Katie: Yeah, I don't know how relaxed I'm gonna be with my husband looking, uh, you know -- [ Vienna laughing ] Vienna: I'm never gonna get used to how prudish you Americans are. I mean -- [ Vienna stammers ] -- I could be laying here naked, and it wouldn't mean a thing to Brad, would it? Brad: Uh -- Vienna: You see? All he can see is the mother of his child, not a woman. Perri: Well, you're right about one thing, Vienna. Your body is not gonna be viewed in a sensual way, because it's doing a very important job. It is the gateway to parenthood. Brad: Okay. I'll just hang out down here by Vienna's gateway. And, um, I'm not exactly -- I'm not exactly sure what -- Perri: Okay, now, lets just do a mock childbirth exercise, okay? Vienna, you start panting. Katie, I want you to start counting her breaths. Katie: 1, 2 -- Brad: Okay, what am I supposed to do? Perri: You're supposed to be offering encouraging words. It's a very stressful time for the mother, and you're gonna be giving Vienna all the support you can. Brad: Okay, all right. Okay, all right, all right. All right, Vienna! You can do it! Come on! You can do this! Come on! We're going all the way with this here! Bring it home, baby! Kick that baby right through your gateway! Henry: Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing to her?!
Henry: You get away from her! Brad: Take it easy. I was just looking at her as a gateway, I swear! Henry: Consider her gateway closed, all right? Brad: Okay, cut. Cut. Kim: No. Keep it rolling. Cameraman: Sorry, dude. Kim: Okay, let's take this outside. Katie: Let me. Let me. What do you think you're doing? Henry: What am I doing? What is your husband doing?! No wonder he didn't want me to show up here. Katie: I'm the one who didn't want you here! Henry: You? Katie: Yeah. You're acting completely insane right now! Henry: I'm sorry, Katie. See how you react when someone tries to cut you out of the birth of your -- your best friend's baby, okay? Katie: Look, you know how much Brad and I appreciate everything you and Vienna are doing for us. And maybe it was a bad idea not to include you in this class. Henry: Oh, there's no "maybe" about it. Katie: But lately, you have been acting really possessive and jealous and just weird! Henry: Weird?! I've been acting weird?! Maybe it's because -- [ Henry stammers ] It doesn't get weirder than this, okay?! Katie: You and I have been in a lot weirder situations together. So tell me, please, what is going on with you?! Henry: I just -- look we are about to take responsibility for this whole new life. Katie: Yeah. Henry: Yes, and it's -- it's not one with pink eyes and a fluffy tail, okay? Katie: Are you having second thoughts about this arrangement? Because if you are, we are having a bigger problem than I thought. Henry: You've got a problem, sweetheart. That's what I've been trying to tell you. Children are nothing but trouble. Katie: That's why Brad and I are gonna raise the baby, not you! You can't change your mind now, you know?! We're past the point of no return.
Katie: In a few months, this is all gonna be over. The baby's gonna be born and out of your hair. Brad and I are gonna take care of it and raise it. Henry: Right, and I won't have anything to say about it. Yeah, I -- I know that. Katie: But you'll be part of the baby's life. You're gonna be a godfather. Henry: Please don't call me that. It makes me think I have to put a horse's head in somebody's bed. Katie: I know it's not the same as being a father yourself, but hey, that's a good situation for you. You never wanted to be a father anyway. Henry: Of course not. Katie: I can't imagine anyone I would rather have as the godfather to my child. I know you're feeling left out right now, but really, this is the best possible situation for all of us. Henry: It's for the best. It's for the best. Katie: Okay, good. So come on. Let's go do this together. Henry: Oh, I could never say no to you. [ Henry chuckles ] [ Botbaby crying ] Perri: Katie, let me introduce you to your botbaby. Katie: Oh, my god! Perri: Cries, it wets and generally acts like a real baby until you rock it, burp it, or change it. It's great parent practice. Brad: You mean it's not -- it's not wet right now, is it? Perri: Well, if it is, you're gonna have to change it. If you don't take care of botbaby, if you leave it alone, dies. Vienna: It could die? Katie? What?! That's horrible! Brad: Oh, no. No baby of ours is gonna give up the ghost, not even babybot. Katie: Botbaby. Brad: Botbaby. Vienna: Oh. Well, that botbaby sounds very unhappy. [ Brad laughs ] Katie: I have an idea. Godfather, why don't you earn your title? Henry: No, no, no. Break -- I might break it. Vienna: Oh, no, no. Don't be silly. Just hold it. It won't bite you. Henry: You don't know that. Some of them are born with teeth. [ Crying stops ] Ah, you're a genius! Katie: I knew you were the right man for the job. Perri: One of the biggest controversies in the childcare community is whether or not you ever allow a baby to cry itself to sleep. Brad: Well, it's got to man up sometime, right? Katie: Do you hear yourself half the time? You're only saying that because you can sleep through anything. Brad: Well, I mean, if you think I'm gonna wake up every time little Brad or Bradette cries, I mean, no way. Perri: As you can see, problems that were academic before the baby was born are anything but when the time comes? Vienna: Like if the mother should take pain medication during labor? Katie: We'll talk about that later. Henry, give me my botbaby. Henry? Where is he?
Vienna: Henry. Henry: Shh! I finally got him to sleep! Vienna: I was worried about you. Henry: Yeah, I know, I know. I was worried, too. It -- it took three verses of "luck be a lady" before he finally knocked off. That always used to put Maddie right to sleep. Vienna: Okay. Why don't you give it to me so I can take it back where it belongs. Henry: No! You can't have him! It's mine.
Brad: Come on, Henry. Where are you? [ Brad whistles ] Katie: Brad, he's not a dog. Brad: Yeah, well, he's not a friend, either, taking off with our botbaby like that. Katie: Maybe he's having a nervous breakdown. What if he takes our real baby, too? Oh, my god. This is what that psychic was talking about! Brad: That something horrible is gonna happen to the baby because of Henry? Now, come on. Katie, please. Okay, come on. Don't be ridiculous. Dr. Shmeglitz said the baby's gonna be perfectly fine. I'll take -- I'll take science over a psychic any day. Katie: You're right, you're right. I'm taking stock in the wrong things. Brad: You know, when we got the botbaby back, I'm gonna give Henry a very strong reminder that worrying my wife is a very bad idea. Look, this is all gonna blow over. Katie: Brad, look at this! Brad: Okay. Yo's is having a comedy night. If you want to go -- Katie: Look at the face! It's dr. Shmeglitz. Brad: All right. Our pediatric geneticist is doing stand-up. I guess cutbacks at memorial are really bad. Healthful life from purina cat chow.
Katie: Is this man a doctor on your staff? [ Bob laughs ] Bob: No, no. I wish he were. We could use a few laughs around here. Brad: Are you sure you don't recognize him? Bob: I have no knowledge of any doctor here who moonlights as a stand-up comic. Katie: So you're sure this isn't dr. Shmeglitz? [ Bob chuckles ] Bob: Dr. Who? Katie: Dr. Shmeglitz. He's a pediatric geneticist. Bob: There is no dr. Shmeglitz in this hospital. If there were, I would know about it. Good luck finding Henry. Katie: Something is very wrong.
Vienna: I know you've been very stressed lately, and it's okay. But it's all going to be fine. Henry: I know that now. Vienna: I'll get you a martini, a massage -- anything you need. We can even do headmistress and the naughty schoolboy. Okay, but you have to let me return the doll. That's all that it is. It's a doll, Henry. It's not real. Henry: Okay. Don't blame me if he starts crying. [ Vienna sighs ] Vienna: My god. You had me scared the way you were talking. Henry: Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Vienna: Okay. It's okay. Once we can return this to Brad and Katie, we can all go back to normal. Henry: Well, they can have the doll, but there's no way they're taking our baby. Vienna: What? Henry: It's funny, right? I'm as surprised as you are. I never expected to feel this way, and I keep trying to fight it, but I'm not gonna do that anymore. Vienna: What do you mean, Henry? Henry: This is our baby, and there's way that I'm letting Brad and Katie have it.
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