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Friday, May 5, 2006
Today’s episode was directed by Jennifer Pepperman and written by Susan Dansby.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Katie: Mike? Ooh, turn around. There's a problem. Mike: What is it? Katie: I forgot to hire a minister to perform the ceremony. Mike/nick: What? Katie: Well, turn around. Do you want more bad luck? It kind of slipped through the cracks. Mike: Okay, okay. Um -- what should we do? Katie: Well, unless you happen to know a preacher who can marry us, we're sunk. Henry: Never fear, Coleman is here. I'll perform the ceremony. Katie: Um, you're not a minister. Henry: Yeah, I am, actually. I just got ordained over the internet. Katie/Mike: Is that legal? Henry: Uh-huh, yeah. I can perform funerals and christenings, revivals. This will be my very first wedding. Isn't that just so special?
Katie: El Segundo Church of the Purple Haze? That's who ordained you? Henry: Well, it's a small congregation, but we're growing. Katie: You, a minister? Henry: Many are called, Katie, but few pay the $179.95. Give me this. Katie: What's going on here? Henry: Well -- Katie: Wait, no. Let me guess. You came into a pile of money, and this is your way of evading taxes. Henry: Bubbles! Bubbles, no, I -- if I had a pile of money, would I be wasting my time in this penny-ante town? No, I'd be in Monte Carlo, playing blackjack with the sultan of Brunei. Katie: You really want to do this? Henry: As your ex-husband, I think that you, Katie Peretti, deserve the best things in life. And yeah, I'd be honored to preside while you got everything you deserved and married the right guy this time. Katie: Thank you, Henry.
[ "Wedding march" plays ] Henry: Dearly beloved -- that's really fun to say -- dearly beloved -- Katie: Henry. Henry: Sorry. It's just this whole audience and the stage, and yet, it's not about me. Isn't that just weird? Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the presence of god and this company to join this man, Michael Kasnoff, and this woman, Katie Peretti, in the bonds of holy matrimony, which is commended to be honorable, and therefore, is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly -- [ Carly remembering ] Minister: Joy, faith, commitment and love. Henry: -- To this holy estate, these two persons present now come to be joined.
Henry: And now, the moment we've all been waiting for. Mike, Katie, who wants to go first? Mike: Um -- there's so much I want to say. And if this was a normal wedding, I would have been working on my vows for weeks. But given the lead time to this ceremony, we're talking a few hours, so hopefully my words can do justice for what's in my heart. I don't know why I'm worried. I mean, if I need an inspiration, all I need to do is look in your eyes. 'Cause what I see there goes beyond what everybody else sees. It goes beyond the kind of beauty that I've dreamt about my whole life. What I see is a courage and a strength -- and a stubbornness that's gotten me through some tough times. You don't give up, Katie. You don't know how. That is only one reason that I will love you until the day that I die. Only you could wake me up at 3:00 in the morning and make me laugh. You are my light in the darkness, and you are my most loyal friend. And you will always and forever be my snow angel. Katie: That was a magical night, wasn't it? But I think I fell in love with you long before that. I think I probably fell in love with you the day that my roof started leaking, and you came over to fix it. And I was panicking, and I didn't have any money, and you didn't care. I said that I would pay you by cooking for you, and you just said, "sure." I mean, for all you knew, I couldn't boil water, but you were just so kind and calm and comforting, and gorgeous. But you made me feel safe. You saved me. You made me feel like everything was gonna be okay. 'Cause that's what you do, Mike -- you fix things. You make people feel like everything's gonna be okay. And I want to do that for you, too. So let's make a pact, okay? We'll do that for each other for the rest of our lives. Henry: Wow. If that's what you got off the top of your heads, I can just imagine what you would have said if you had time to prepare. Mike, as someone who has stood in your position before, let me just say -- Mike: Henry, Henry, we got the church for an hour. That's it. Henry: Right. Right. So let's just move this sucker along. Break out the rings here. Katie: Thank you. Henry: Katie. Katie: With this ring, I thee wed. Mike: With this ring, I thee wed. Henry: You guys are killing me, here. Uh, let's see if there's anything else in here. Yeah, yeah. Katie: What? Henry: Yeah, yeah. If there's anyone stupid enough here who thinks there's any reason why these two should not be joined, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Henry: And now, by the power vested in me, allow me to present to you, for the first time anywhere, Mr. And Mrs. Michael Kasnoff. You may kiss the bride, my friend. [ Applause ] Jack: I really wish I didn't have to do this. Mike, you're under arrest.
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