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Friday, May 2, 2008 Today’s episode was directed by ? and written by ?.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Liberty: I want the works -- pancakes, eggs, bacon. Brad: No time -- milk, muffin, get it to go. Liberty: That is not healthy. Brad: Who says? Liberty: Carb city, dude. You should want me to have right nutrition. I mean, you're my father. Brad: All right, dude, we'll just make it a whole wheat muffin, then, all right? [ Liberty scoffs ] Henry: Parker, there you go. Liberty: Oh, hey, Tony Hawk. Parker: Ha. [ Liberty giggles ] Brad: Go order your stuff, okay? I need to talk to parker. Yeah, I do. Let me talk to you. Parker: I'm gonna be late for school. Brad: I know. That's exactly what this is about. I need your help. I need you to look after Liberty, okay? She doesn't know anyone. She might be a little freaked out. Parker: Her? Brad: Yeah, her. I mean, if you see her wandering around the halls, looking sad and lonely, I just need you to help her. Parker: You know, I -- somehow, I kind of doubt that's gonna happen, but, yeah, sure. Brad: All right, thanks, bud, all right? Liberty: Whoa, you guys really know how to take your time around here. Are you trying to make me late for my first day of school, 'cause --
Brad: Should you be leaving your post? Henry: No, everyone's finally eating or paid up. So -- Brad: So? Henry: Who was that teenage girl that you bought breakfast? Does Katie know about this, Brad? Brad: Get your mind out of the gutter. Henry: Now, listen to me. You put me in a very awkward position here. Katie's my best friend. Brad: She's mine, too, all right? I'm not doing anything wrong. I love my wife. That girl just -- she may be -- I mean, it's not definite or anything. I'm just trying to -- you know -- Henry: Spit it out, man. She may be -- Brad: My daughter. Henry: Your -- Brad: Look, don't make me say it again. I'm still eating. Henry: What, are you kidding me? Brad: No. Henry: You -- you have a teenage offspring? Brad: Maybe. She just showed up. Henry: She showed up and she said that you're her -- Brad: We had a DNA test done. Henry: And? Brad: It hasn't come back yet. Henry: So you -- you knew her mother in the biblical sense. [ Brad clears throat ] That would be an amen. Henry: Okay. What's -- what's the young lady's name? Brad: Liberty. Henry: That's interesting. Brad: See, the thing is, I think I'm expected to take care of her. Henry: Yeah, that's usually how these things go. Brad: I'm clueless here, Henry, you know. But what about you? I mean, you -- you practically raised a teenage girl. What's it like? Henry: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Henry: Living with a teenage girl is uncharted territory. There is no way to know what they are thinking at any given moment. And if you are lucky enough to sort of figure it out, they will change their minds. They are run by some impenetrable, unknowable, random x-factor that we will never, ever, ever understand. Brad: That's not just teenage women. That's women, period. Henry: Yeah, yeah, but it's worse with the young ones, man, because we're supposed to be responsible for them. And they love messing with us. They love it. The grown women -- they -- they -- they want us to figure them out. They expect that. But teenage girls -- they're elusive on purpose. Brad: Okay, what about Maddie? I mean, she was cool. She was smart. Henry: She was smart. It made it -- it made it three times worse, because I -- I forgot that she was just a kid. They like to pretend like they know everything, when really they're really just innocents -- until they're guilty. They need a strong hand. Brad: See, that's exactly the way I've been dealing with Liberty. I mean, I'm giving, like, tough love. But Katie says I -- I've been too hard on her. Henry: My advice is, and from my experience, if you want that one to grow up to be an adult reasonably unscathed, you lock her away until she's about 40. Brad: Thanks for the encouragement. Henry: Yeah. Hey. Hey, look on the bright side. Maybe she's not your daughter.
Henry: Baby, you look -- you look dead on your feet. Vienna: I'm sorry, Henry. Henry: No, don't apologize to me. Look, why don't you go home? Take yourself a nice, long nap. I can hold down the fort here. Vienna: No, I'm just a little sleepy. I had a very early morning. One of the machines broke down yesterday, so I had to get up one hour earlier and mix everything by hand. Henry: [ Sighs ] Yeah, I knew you got up before I did. I guess I thought, um -- I don't -- I don't know what I thought. You know what? This has got to stop. Vienna: What -- what are you talking about? Henry: I mean we need to put an end to this, to -- to -- to all this, all this. If you're gonna get up at the break of dawn, it should be to take a balloon ride through the Alps, okay? No, it should be to go to some sun-bleached Grecian isle, where we have -- we're renting a villa with our -- our jet-setting, multicultural, witty friends. It should not be to get elbow-deep into pancake batter. These elbows are works of art. I will not have them besmirched! Vienna: [ Laughs ] You are so dramatic, Henry. I'm fine. My elbows are fine. Henry: I don't care. I don't care. I want you to have what you deserve. I want to get that for you. I don't know how, but by god, I'm gonna make it happen. Vienna: Oh, so you think that I want to be jet-setting with my multicultural, witty friends? How many times do I have to tell you? It never made me as happy as you do. Henry: I -- what about making me happy? Have you thought about that? Vienna: What, you want to be a part of the jet-setter group? Henry: No, I'm -- I'm not saying 24/7 diamonds and caviar and that sort of stuff, but a measly two-week vacation -- when's the last time we had a weekend together? I haven't even taken you to Chicago. Vienna: Okay, so, we'll -- we'll get someone to fill in for us here, and we'll go to Chicago. Henry: Who? Who would volunteer to watch this place while we get out of town? Vienna: I was thinking Katie and Brad. Henry: Hmm. Vienna: They could do it as part of their TV show. "Tune in tomorrow, and watch Katie and Brad trying to run a diner." Henry: Hmm, good idea. It is. I think Katie and Brad have a lot more other things on their plate at the moment. Vienna: Like what? Henry: Like the potential pitter-patter of little feet. Vienna: [ Gasps ] Katie's pregnant? Henry: No, Brad's the one with child, if his DNA matches up. If it does, that girl is going to be a handful.
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