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Wednesday, February 18, 2009 Henry and Brad commiserate about their baby issues, and Henry decides to take matters into his own hands. Today’s episode was directed by Habib Azar and written by Susan Dansby.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Henry: Is Vienna in the back? Waitress: She just left. Henry: Did she go to the bank for some change or something? Waitress: She said she'd be gone all afternoon. Henry: I just called her. I told her I was on my way. Which is why she is not here. Voicemail? My confectionery, darling dumpling? Is this some ploy to record my sweet nothings for future playback? I'd much prefer to talk dirty to you in person than a machine. So just give me a call as soon as you get this. I would love to chat. And find out if you are pregnant.
Waitress: May I help you? Brad: Yes, you can! Can I get an apple pie a la mode with chocolate chip ice cream to go? And can I get that ice cream on the side, and make sure that you give me a scoop -- Henry: Giselle, just give him a scoop with extra chocolate chips. His wife is very particular. And some chocolate syrup with it, as well. Brad: You know, sometimes I think you know Katie better than I do. Henry: Well, I'm beginning to know pregnancy tests better than I do. You've had experience with this. Which one of these is best? Brad: It's not my department. All I know is you pee on it, and it tells you if you're pregnant or not. Henry: You make it sound so simple. Like people do this every day. Brad: They do. Henry: Well, Vienna doesn’t. Or she won’t. Not if I'm around to observe the results. Brad: I don't understand, you guys keep changing your mind. I mean, I thought you said you didn't want to have kids, and now Vienna's taking pregnancy tests. I mean, which is it? Henry: No kids. No kids, that was the understanding. And I thought Vienna was on board with that, until I caught her punching little pinholes in my condoms. [Brad laughing] Henry: What, do you think that's funny? Brad: Yes. But how did you figure it out? Henry: I caught her in the act, Brad. Look, you gotta keep your eyes on these women, all right? They're sneaky. What? Brad: Katie didn't take her thingie into the bathroom. Henry: Okay? Brad: She always takes her thingie into the bathroom just before we -- I gotta go.
Brad: Katie? Katie! Henry: She not here? Brad: No. Henry: She left a note. Said she forgot about an appointment. Brad: What appointment? Henry: It doesn't say. Brad: That's weird. Henry: Why? Brad: Well, I mean, why didn't call me? She would rather -- she would rather talk than write any day of the week. Henry: Well, let's not -- let's not overreact here, okay? Just because Vienna decided to trick me into fatherhood doesn't mean that Katie's doing it. Brad: No, something is definitely off with her, okay? When she found out she got her period, she -- it was like she was gonna cry. Break down and just start crying. Henry: It's called PMS, champ. Brad: But when she found out she wasn't pregnant, she was shocked. Only, what's there to be shocked about if you're using birth control? Henry: Okay, maybe Katie is up to something. What are you going to do about it? Brad: I'm going to find out the truth. It's empty. She is. She's trying to get pregnant behind my back. Henry: That does not prove anything. Maybe she just put it somewhere else. Brad: Come on, this is Katie we're talking about. You know her, I mean, she's a neat freak. A place for everything, and everything in its place. And this is the place for her diaphragm. Henry: Maybe she found a new place, Brad. Brad: Let's look.
Brad: No call back from Vienna? Henry: Nope, Liebchen is definitely avoiding me. Did you find the diaphragm? Brad: No, I looked in the bathroom, I looked in all her drawers, I looked in all my drawers. Henry: What about the kitchen? Right, right, yeah, it's probably not in there. Brad: I just can't believe that she would pretend to use birth control when she wasn’t. I just thought I could trust her. Henry: You probably can, most of the time. But women, they march to their own drum. You never know what they're thinking. Brad: What do you think Vienna is thinking? Henry: That she knows me better than I know myself. And that deep in my heart, I really do want a kid. Brad: Is she right? Henry: Who wouldn't want a miniature Vienna? Those eyes and the laugh. Imagining her pregnant, I mean, I get it, I'm human. Plus I'm madly in love with her, which doesn't hurt. Brad: So you do want this. Henry: Only up to a point. Brad: What the hell does that supposed to mean? Henry: Newborn, infant, toddler -- I can handle that. But then there comes that pivotal moment when you figure out that they are learning things from you, both good and bad. And I would not be a good role model, Brad. Brad: You'd be a good dad. Henry: Oh, don't you start! Listen, even though I love Vienna, she must be stopped. I will not be coerced into making her pregnant. Brad: Look, I'm not gonna get Katie pregnant, neither, okay, not until the doctors say it's safe. So how are we going to do this? Henry: We could stop having sex. Brad: Maybe you could. Henry: Did I just say that? No. Or -- Brad: Or -- Henry: Or I have been toying around with the idea of a vasectomy. [Brad laughing] Henry: I take it that does not appeal to you? Brad: Hell, no, no. Hell, no. Okay, I do plan on having children eventually. Henry: Well, it is reversible. Brad: Look, I don't want any scalpel anywhere near that neighborhood, okay? Once is enough, never mind twice. Henry: Right, yeah, okay. I'm going to the hospital to get some information. Do you want to come with? Brad: I'm going to find another way to protect Katie from herself. Henry: Okay, but remember, the only safe sex is no sex. Brad: Well, let's go to the hospital and find out about vasectomies.
Henry: You know, they might give us a two-for-one deal if we sign up for vasectomies at the same time. What do you think? Brad: That I don't even want to think about it. Count me out. I'll wait for you at the coffee. Henry: Chicken. Brad: Proud of it. Margo? What are you doing here? I mean, you're not sick or something, I hope? Margo: No, no, I'm here with Katie. Brad: Well, I didn't think she had something scheduled today. Who's the doctor? What is it about? Margo: Those are all really very interesting questions. Ones I'm sure that Katie can answer for you. Katie: Honey, hi! It's so good to see you.
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