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Thursday, February 5, 2009 Vienna decides she's going to use a sperm donor to get pregnant, and Henry tells her they're through if she does. They're both miserable, and Vienna decides that she loves Henry more than a baby she's never met. Today’s episode was directed by Maria Wagner and written by Gordon Rayfield.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Henry: Hey, Brad. Brad: Henry! Henry: If it isn't Oakdale's newest reality TV star. What happened -- you ditched the camera crew again? Brad: No, we're putting that on hold. Props to you and Vienna for being our decoys yesterday. Henry: Yeah, it was a little strange. Brad: Wait, good strange or bad strange? Henry: It's hard to say. You know, Vienna and I, we are the mistress and master of role playing. But playing Katie and Brad trying to make a baby, on camera, was a little intense. Even for us. Brad: How far did you take it? Henry: Well, suffice it to say it got a little out of hand. We had a huge fight. Now she's back on the "I want a baby" mode. Brad: You should try it, man. It's fun. Henry: The manufacturing process -- that's fun. Raising the little monsters, that's just torture. Brad: That is harsh, Henry. Henry: No, no, no, no, no. You and Katie -- you go forth and bear fruit and multiply, all right. The only multiple fruit I want to see are three in a row on a slot machine. Brad: I don't think that's the Jackpot that'll make Vienna happy. Henry: No, it's not. And that's got me a little scared, because the baby thing could be a deal breaker. Brad: You cannot lose Vienna. Henry: I know. I know that, I know that. Let's talk about something -- this is depressing. Where's Katie? Brad: She's at work, taping the show. I'm just picking her up some tea. Henry: So it's come to that. Brad: I don't mind. This is aloe-verbena chai with fertility boost. Helps the manufacturing process. That is some potent stuff. Henry: It's a skunk in heat! Brad: But if it works, it's worth it, right? Henry: Keep it away from Vienna, okay. Any boost of her fertility could be a public safety hazard. Brad: Knowing Vienna, she's going to keep trying 'til she gets a baby -- with or without you, right? Henry: Bite your tongue!
Janet: Hey, boss lady. What's shakin'? Vienna: Keep the coffee coming, Janet. It's going to be a busy morning for me. I have some very important decisions to make. Janet: Oh, all righty. Oh, wow. There's some gorgeous guys for you. What are you trying to do? Are trying to make Henry jealous? Vienna: Henry? Who's Henry? Janet: Uh-oh. Trouble in paradise. Mayday, mayday. You better go do some damage control, otherwise Vienna's going to start stepping out on you. Henry: How's my little, luscious lamb chop? No hard feelings over last night, I hope. Vienna: You're in my light. Henry: What are you reading there? Is that actor-model-waiters? You're not going to turn that banquette into a casting couch, are you? Vienna: No, silly. These handsome, highly-educated, and very gorgeous men are all sperm donors. And one of them is going to be the father of my child!
Vienna: So what do you think about donor number 7,869? Henry: He makes my head hurt. Vienna: I think he's handsome and he plays squash. Henry: I'd like to squash him. Vienna: Well, I dare you to find anything wrong with him. Henry: Uh, yeah, actually I can see something wrong with him -- any guy that looks like that is hiding something. I'm would say it was botox. Vienna: I think we could make a beautiful child together. And since you refuse to have a baby with me -- Henry: You know I have a very good reason for not wanting to procreate, okay. I have gin and poker in my genes. I don't want to pass that along -- we'd be dealing the kid a bad hand. Vienna: Which is why I'm going with an anonymous donor. Henry: You're going with? What does that mean exactly, you're "going with"? Is this a joke? Vienna: No, this -- this is not a joke, Henry. I had a consultation this morning at Lifestream, which is a very upscale -- Henry: Lifestream? Lifestream? Lifestream? Vienna: Yeah, lifestream. All the donors have been carefully screened. Henry: A man who donates his wild oats? Vienna, it's sick, okay. It's sick. Vienna: Oh, look at this one -- this one has a degree in law from Harvard. Henry: You know what? This is like taking a withdrawal from a genetic ATM! I'm not going to put up with it. Vienna: Well, have a baby with me then.
Janet: All right. If it gets any chillier in here, you two are going to freeze out the customers. Vienna: You know, I'm not cold. I feel warm all over when I'm thinking about the beautiful baby I'm going to have. Henry: What, with a total stranger? A man who has a number instead of a name? What are you going to call the kid? 1370 junior? Janet: Hold on, hold on, I've got an idea. Why don't you two take a break? You can come to terms about this somewhere else -- in private. Vienna: No. We don't need to wait. I can be reasonable. Henry: Really? Vienna: Yes. Yes, I understand -- you think it's absolutely crazy of me to get pregnant with a total stranger. I understand. Henry: That is a relief. Vienna: It doesn't have to be anonymous. We can ask someone we know to volunteer. Someone we like and respect. How about Jack Snyder? Janet: What? Oh, hell no, hell no! My husband is off-limits! Henry: Time out, penalty, okay. Flag on the play! We do not want to upset Janet, all right. We pay her not to break dishes. Janet, do you mind? Janet: No, no, I'm out of this. So is my husband. Henry: Sweetie, listen -- listen to me, okay? We have a problem here, all right. And the problem is not that I don't want to be a sperm donor. The problem is that I don't want you -- I don't want us to be pregnant. Vienna: What if all I want is having a baby? What are we going to do? Henry: I don't know. Vienna: Well, I know. I want a child and if I decide to do it on my own, you can't stop me.
Henry: Listen to me. If you have a baby, everything changes. Vienna: Yes, for the better. Henry: No, no, not necessarily, okay? What is wrong with our lives right now? It's you and me, and pepper makes three. We've got the diner, we've got the nightclub. It's pepparkakor days and dry martini nights. It's the best of everything. Vienna: It's been wonderful. But there is more to life, Henry. Henry: I don't -- I don't understand this. We talked -- we talked about this. And we agreed -- no babies. Vienna: No, that's what you wanted. What about what I want? When do I get what I want? Henry: I never lied to you. You've always known that I don't want to be a father. Now, if you need to go to some sperm bank to make a baby, then you are on your own. And what we have, it is over.
Janet: Uh, listen, Vienna. I need to -- I'm going to take my lunch break. Are you going to be okay? Vienna: Yes, I'm fine. If Henry can't take the heat, he'll just have to get out of the kitchen. Janet: Are you sure that's what you want? Vienna: Do you have a better idea? Janet: Yeah. I think you should back off and do whatever it takes to hold onto your man.
Janet: Was Henry telling the truth? Did you really agree not to have kids? Vienna: Sort of. Janet: Vienna, either you agreed or you didn't. Vienna: I changed my mind. I can't help it. Janet: Okay, all right, well, that's your prerogative. But you've got to ask yourself, is it really worth it to go to a sperm bank if it means you can lose Henry? Vienna: I don't even want to think about my life without my Henry. But I don't want to spend my life without having a child. I'm hoping that if I do this, that -- that Henry will change his mind. Janet: And what if he doesn't? And you're on your own. I've been there. It ain't easy. Maybe you can find a way to make it okay, to just be you and Henry for the next few years. And then, if you still want to have a baby, you've got time. Don't you think it's worth waiting for? Vienna: I don't know. Janet: Do yourself a favor and really think about this.
[Henry remembers his unofficial "vows" with Vienna.] Vienna: Repeat after me. I, Henry Coleman -- Henry: I, Henry Coleman. Vienna: Do solemnly swear and promise -- Henry: Do solemnly swear and promise -- Vienna: That I will never leave. Henry: That I will never leave Vienna Hyatt.
[Vienna dreaming.] Bob: That's a good one. You're almost there, Vienna. Now take a deep breath. The baby's coming out soon, now. Keep breathing. Keep breathing. Did you take your lamaze classes? Vienna: No, I didn't have any partner. Bob: Why not? What about the father? Vienna: Oh, you mean, donor number 687? Or was it 879? I can't remember. But I know he went to Harvard law school. Bob: You mean, you have no idea who the father is? Vienna: No, but I know all his vitals. His statistics. His weight, and his height and his I.Q. And his shoe size. And it feels like a size 14! Bob: All right. All right. You're almost there. Now take a deep breath and push! Vienna: No, I can't. I can't. I can't do this alone. Bob: You should've thought of that before you got pregnant. Having a baby is really tough work. Vienna: That's easy for you to say! Bob: If you think this is tough, try being a single parent. All right, you're almost there now. Big push. Big push, come on. Vienna: I can't! I can't! Henry! I need my Henry! Bob: Why did you let him go? Vienna: He didn't want my baby! Bob: Oh, I'm sorry, it's too late now. Here comes your baby, Vienna. Now push! Vienna: Oh Henry!
Henry: We're closed. There's a sperm bank around the corner. Vienna: I have something to tell you, Henry. Henry: That's not fair. You don't kick a man when he's down. Vienna: No, no. That's not why I'm here. I just want you to know that I love you more than someone who's a stranger to me. Henry: More than some anonymous donor? Vienna: No. I love you more than a baby I've never met. Henry: Really? Vienna: Yes. I don't know the baby I would have. But I know you, Henry. And I never want to lose you. Henry: I don't want to lose you either, liebchen. |