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Wednesday, February 4, 2009 Henry and Vienna play "Brad and Katie" to help them avoid their reality TV camera crew. Unfortunately that brings up the idea of having a baby, an idea on which Henry and Vienna do not agree. Vienna wants children, but Henry does not because of the bad experience he had with his own family. Today’s episode was directed by Jennifer Pepperman and written by Gordon Rayfield.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Vienna: So I told Pepper he's not allowed to eat from your plate. Henry: He shouldn't be allowed to eat from anyone's plate, sweetheart. Vienna: And I said to him, if it happens again, he's not allowed to come down with us for breakfast. Henry: Honey, he's a dog. I don't think he comprehends cause and effect. Vienna: He's bright, and he's had extensive training. Henry: He's had expensive training. I don't know about extensive, judging by how little he knows. Vienna: What's wrong? Henry: I'm not hungry. Vienna: Well, you said you were starving. Henry: Yeah, that was before the mutt stole my muffin. Vienna: Oh, don't be mean. That was a very hard training program. I promise -- I promise that he will get it the second time. Henry: What are you saying, he failed? Vienna: Yes, they said that they're sure that he'll pass the next time around. Henry: I'm sure they did. They know a soft touch when they see one. Vienna: He's a sweet little dog, isn't it? Henry: I was talking about you, sweetie! Vienna: I just think that if you were a little bit more affectionate to him, he would be more obedient. Henry: Yeah, and we can just throw decades of behavioral science right out the window. Vienna: I don't care what the experts say. I know my Pepper. Henry: Well, all I can say is, it is a good thing that we don't want kids because I think they'd be in therapy for the rest of their lives. Vienna: I think they would be wonderful and gorgeous. But then again, we won't find out, will we? Henry: No. No, we won't.
Henry: That wasn't necessary. Vienna: I don't want you to blame Pepper for starving to death. Henry: And I don't want you to think I'm a hard-hearted pet owner. I just -- the vet told us that he should not eat table food. Vienna: Have you ever looked at that canned dog food? It's not fit for human consumption! Henry: It's not supposed to be for human consumption. Vienna: Well, Pepper has very refined tastes. Henry: Sweetie, he's a dog. You can't indulge him the way I indulge you. Vienna: Oh, that's sweet. Henry: Yeah, and just -- just promise me, okay? No more table food. Vienna: Okay. Can he sleep in your sweater drawer? Henry: Fine. Vienna: Okay, no more table food. Promise. Henry: Okay. [Cellphone ringing] Hello? Speaking. Yeah, yeah. Hold on for just a second. It's metro's linen service. Vienna: No, no, no. It's our day off. Henry: I know, I know, I know. It'll just take a second. I'll take it outside. Yeah. Uh-huh. Vienna: Oh. Don't you worry, Pepper. Mommy won't let you starve to death.
Katie: We did it. We lost them! Brad: Yes! Hey, guys! Henry: Hey, you! What happened? It looked like you just robbed a bank. Brad: Well, better yet, we stole our lives back. You know, and now we need to get a room. Vienna: Okay. What's wrong with your house? Brad: We're being stalked. Vienna: Oh, my god. That's horrible. Have you spoken to the police? Katie: No, it's of our own doing. Well, mine, actually. Brad: Well, I cannot let her take the blame -- all the blame. You know, I agreed to it too. Henry: Agreed to what? Katie: Oh, to having a video crew shoot us trying to have a baby. Brad: It was the only way Kim would give me my job back. Katie: But it's turned into a nightmare. They're everywhere. They're in our house, they're in our bedroom -- everywhere. Henry: Look, wait, wait -- get back to the point about having a baby. Katie: Oh, yeah. We're trying. Vienna: Oh, my god! That's wonderful! Katie: Thank you! Henry: Or not. Vienna: Henry! Henry: No, with all due respect to the fact that we were all children once, do you guys have any idea what you're getting yourselves into? Katie: Of course. Brad: I have a kid, remember? Henry: Liberty is not exactly a kid. Brad: Yeah, don't remind me. Henry: I'm just talking about all the things you missed. Like the sticky fingers, and the food in the hair, and the little sneakers with wheels in them that leave tracks everywhere. Vienna: Henry, they know what children are like. Brad: I'm going to go get us a room right now so we can keep trying to make love. Vienna: Oh, my god. Are you serious about this? Katie: Yes. We wanted a child for so long. We just figured this was the best time. Henry: Why? Because you're enjoying your life too much? Vienna: Will you stop! This is wonderful news. You're turning into a miserable old grouch in your old age. Henry: Are you calling me old? Vienna: Yes! Katie: And she meant it in a good way. Henry: There is no good way! Fine, have fun at my expense. But don't say I didn't warn you. Brad: There's not an empty room in the place. Katie: What? Are you serious? Brad: Yeah, they've got some sort of convention. We're going to have to find some other place to go. Katie: Too late. We're busted! Vienna: What, what? Brad: That's the crew that's been haunting our dreams. Vienna: No, it's not too late. Come with us. Henry: This will not end well.
Vienna: You agreed to let them film you trying to get pregnant? Katie: I know. Henry: I like it. I mean the filming part, not the pregnancy part. Brad: Trust me, it gets old really fast. Henry: The pregnancy part? Brad: No! Having these guys in our faces 24/7. Henry: They don't know you're here right now. Brad: Give them time. Katie: Yeah, once they find out that we have friends in this building, they'll be at the door. Brad: Yeah, they're really good at that. Vienna: Well, Henry can go down and scare them off. Henry: How, exactly? Vienna: Just do your gangster. You know, "the showgirl and the mob." Henry: Oh, yeah, yeah. Brad: Is that -- what's that, a movie? Henry: No, just a little game we like to play. Katie: Okay. Well, anyway, we agreed to do this with Kim, and if we blow it off, we'll be in big trouble. Henry: Well you know, if they really wanted great ratings, we're the ones that they would be filming. Vienna: Well of course, if they were filming us, they could never use it on TV. Henry: Now, maybe late night cable. I don't know. Vienna: Oh, yeah! Pay-per-view! Brad: You know what? You guys are really -- you guys are really weird. You know, you wouldn't be laughing, okay? You wouldn't be enjoying this so much if you were the ones being chased. Henry: That's it! Then, yeah, then -- okay. Perfect, and she and will dress up like you and pretend to be you, and then we'll just lead them right out of the hotel. Vienna: Yeah. Henry: I know, I know -- the jock and the cheerleader. Vienna: Yes! Katie: What are you talking about? Vienna: Oh, this. Brad: Whoa. Henry: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brad: What is -- Vienna: Mm-hmm! So -- what do you think? Henry: I think you could be Katie's double! Katie: I don't really think you look like me. Vienna: Oh, I'm not done yet. Come on. Henry: Yeah, come here. Brad: What are you doing? Henry: Well, if I'm going to play you, I have to look the part. Brad: Try spending a year in the gym. Henry: Okay, big guy. You know, I never thought I would say this to anyone, least of all you, but I need you to get out of your clothes.
Henry: Here they come, baby. Are you ready? Vienna: I can hardly wait.
Vienna: Oh, wow. This is fun. Henry: What? Being chased by the paparazzi? Vienna: Pretending being Brad and Katie. Henry: We should add it to the playlist. Vienna: We should make it more realistic. Henry: How do you want to do that? Vienna: I'll be bubbly and you be dumb. Henry: That's not fair. Vienna: What, to Brad? Henry: No, to me. It's easy for you to play bubbly. I don't know how to play dumb. Vienna: Oh, well, I could think of a few occasions where you've managed very well. Henry: Like when? Vienna: Like when you don't listen to me. Henry: Okay. Okay, I'll give it a try. Vienna: Okay. [Vienna laughs] Henry: You want a beer, baby? Before I go out and get in trouble because I can't stop myself from doing stupid stuff? Vienna: Oh, can't you do stupid stuff later? I want you to rip off my clothes right now. Henry: Yeah, I think I could do that. Vienna: Just tear off my clothes. Henry: That's how you like it, baby. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. They're here! [Doorbell rings] Vienna: Should we answer? Henry: No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Let's play hard to get. They have a key! Vienna: Oh, let's go into the bedroom. Henry: What -- won't they find us? Vienna: Well, isn't that the idea? Henry: Yeah! Vienna: Yeah!
Vienna: Oh, oh, Brad! That was the best ever! Let's do it again! Joe: Guys, I think we got enough. We're just going to pack it in. Henry: Uh, how about one more take, dude? Just for me! Joe: No, we really got to get some lunch. Henry: They're gone. Vienna: Ooh, this was fun. Henry: Yeah, it was fun, and we did a good deed in the process. Although I have to admit, playing -- playing Brad kind of wore me out. Vienna: Well, it wasn't easy being Katie, either, because I had to keep thinking about getting pregnant. Henry: That doesn't actually work, does it? Vienna: You know what? I'm done with this game. Henry: No, no, no, no, no. What's wrong? Vienna: I think -- I think Brad and Katie are having the right idea. Henry: What do you mean? With the form-fitting mattress? I thought it kind of got in the way. Vienna: No, I'm talking about having babies. Henry: No. I can't believe they want that. Vienna: Why don't we want to do it? Henry: You know why. Vienna: No, I don't. Tell me the reason. Henry: You mean, besides the sticky fingers and the wheels on the sneakers? Vienna: Yes, besides that. Henry: Because there's -- there's the diner. And metro. And there is Pepper. We cannot forget about Pepper. Vienna: Well, people have jobs and dogs and still have children. Henry: Okay. What about our role-playing? Vienna: We can still dress up on Halloween. Henry: That is not quite the same thing. Vienna: Or maybe we should try to play some other roles? Henry: Okay, I like -- that sounds fair. What did you have in mind? Vienna: Mommy and daddy. Henry: That's too weird, even for me. Vienna: I'm serious, Henry. I want to get pregnant.
Henry: Since when did you want to get pregnant? Vienna: Since always. Henry: No -- no, we talked about this. We agreed. Marriage is for other people, not for us! Vienna: Who's talking about marriage? Henry: It generally goes with children. Vienna: Either we love each other, or we don't. We don't need a piece of paper to prove that we're committed. Henry: You think marriage is a commitment? Vienna, no, having kids is a commitment! You have to raise them, and you have to feed them, and give them a good education. And you have to smile when they inevitably turn on you. Vienna: Why do you always have to be so negative? Henry: I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I'm trying to be realistic. I worked harder at raising my sisters than anything I've ever done in my life, and one of them still ended up being a serial killer, okay? Vienna: Well, you did your best, and that's all anyone can ask. Henry: And it wasn't enough, okay? You pour all of your hopes and your dreams into their hands, and they still break your heart. Vienna: You know what? I'm willing to take that chance. Henry: Then we have a problem, because I'm not. Vienna: So you won't give me a baby? Henry: I'm sorry. Vienna: Well, then I'll have to find someone who will. Henry: Wait a second. What are you doing? Vienna: I think you know. Henry: No, no. Where are you going? Vienna: To start my search. Henry: Now? Vienna: Mm-hmm, there are so many men, so little time.
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